


Appetite for destruction

by sechenitis



Series: Rock band!au [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, F/F, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Separation Anxiety, Slight mention of drug use, past!chanyeol/baekhyun, probably something about, sex scenes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 22:47:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9094111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sechenitis/pseuds/sechenitis
Summary: Jongdae has his face in every girl's room - albums, posters, magazines- and he's used to being out of reach. At least, that's what he likes to tell himself, because it turns out that, somewhere along the way, Sehun already caught him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted [here](http://januarys-lovers.livejournal.com/1402.html)
> 
>  
> 
> it's one of my first fics and i'm too scared to reread it to be honest, so it's probably cringy, who knows (not me)  
> good luck
> 
> you'll find a playlist i made for the fic right [here](http://8tracks.com/kimjongwaae/appetite-for-destruction-sechen)   
> and a few very nice [pictures](http://kimjongwaae.tumblr.com/tagged/apetite%20for%20destruction) to drool on - i mean, for references

Jongdae's vision is filled with black smoke, and it burns his lungs in the softest way. Maybe he shouldn't breathe anymore, because the smoke paints the back of his throat like poison, and he'll have to dig out his vocal cords from under the ashes for the next gig. It's been a long time since Jongdae last thought about consequences though, the 'living in the moment' philosophy taking the best of him. Maybe it was in the pact with the devil he may have signed when he was too high on dreams and weed, he thinks. Something obviously took him here, and he begins to doubt his talent is the reason. If this is true, then the Devil is a real thing, and Jongdae is totally fucked because the black smoke comes with numerous sins. At least he's enjoying the ride (and he thinks that maybe it will lead him to the VIP seat in hell). He tries to imagine how the VIP lounge looks like in the dark pit, and chuckles.

"What's so funny?" Sehun asks with a hoarse voice, as a fragile filament of black smoke escapes from his mouth. Jongdae runs the tip of his tongue across his upper lip as he watches Sehun's mouth, tempting and pink, as if he didn't just smoke dozens of cigarettes.

"Nothing," he answers and Sehun smiles.

Jongdae stays still as Sehun crushes his cigarette butt in the ashtray before putting his hand back on the neck of his acoustic guitar. His slender fingers dance across the frets, pressing a couple of notes here and there, before positioning themselves, and Jongdae hears the chord resonating in his chest a few seconds before Sehun strums it. The melody is unfamiliar and the strumming pattern is as good as it always is with Sehun-- and if Jongdae didn't know him any better he would think Sehun actually wrote the song before letting him hear it. But Jongdae has known him for years, and it's more than enough to not question Sehun's ability to give sense to music anymore. Sehun understands how everything works, he understands what would make a great verse and how every song is different but always quite the same in the end, and that's why he's a great musician. Music can't be explained but only understood, and if you don't speak its language, there's no way you can learn it. The black smoke may be burying Jongdae and Sehun's souls under layers of ashes, but both of them were born with a gift and it's still there, cleaning the burnt lining of their lungs every day. Jongdae closes his eyes, still spread out on his hotel room's floor, and listens to Sehun's little improvisation. They wrote two songs already, but his mind still fills up with lyrics and melodies that would sound perfect with Sehun's guitar as a background. This one could be about freedom and black smoke, since Jongdae figured out some times ago that both were intimately related (he doesn't understand why, though, he keeps picturing Sehun's pale face in the music video they could shoot for the song).

"And...just there, Chanyeol's solo guitar." Sehun's voice his barely louder than his guitar, but Jongdae hears him perfectly fine.

He holds his breath as Sehun's wrist breaks the dull atmosphere into powerful shots of pure adrenaline with rhythmic strumming. Chanyeol would love the breaks in the melody, the speed of the succession of the power chords, but most of all he would definitely put one of his brilliant solos there. They've all worked long enough together for Jongdae to be able to guess how things will go: Sehun will play his new song and Chanyeol will hop up and down with excitement, mouth already full of suggestions and fingers itching to give birth to another mind blowing solo. Jongin will think for a few minutes, sometimes breaking his silence to try something on the drums, before finally saying something like "how great would that be if I mainly played this song on the cymbals?"; and Tao will lazily grab his bass guitar while rolling his eyes in the back of his head, as if the song wasn't that great. Jongdae will come up with lyrics full of imagery that, without him knowing why, will remind him of Sehun's eyes, heavy with eyeliner, and sharp collarbones. Their last single gave a strange feeling, at least it did for Jongdae, and it almost had a smell, oddly similar to the scent of Sehun's skin when he wears his worn-out leather pants. Jongdae doesn't question it anymore, he doesn't care where his inspiration comes from, because knowing their songs are top ranked in every Asian country is the only answer he needs.

Sehun ends the song, suddenly, but Jongdae's veins still throb with a little more than just blood. The feeling is everything familiar but still so new, to the point where he wonders if he's made of more music than blood. He likes it, though, not knowing which parts of him are purely human and which are the ones he gives in to their songs. The black smoke still weighs on his lungs but Jongdae feels immortal. They all do.

"You want another beer?" Sehun asks as he pushes his guitar away. Jongdae shakes his head and reaches out to grab the instrument, but Sehun stops his hand midway.

"It was a great composition,” Jongdae says with a smirk as Sehun's fingers work their way in the space between his.

"Of course, it was." Sehun's eyes are filled with self-importance and something else that burns Jongdae way more than the smoke. He pretends that his heart isn't aching with impatience and plays along.

"So what? You want a medal or something? It wasn't that great, Oh Sehun, keep your feet--"

His last words drown in the rush of adrenaline Sehun's free hand injects through his body when it sneaks under his tank top, directly on his stomach. Jongdae's breath hitches as Sehun's fingers follow the muscles around his navel. His palm is hot, terribly hot, against Jongdae's skin, and the latter realizes how cold his whole body is. He leans into the touch but keeps his playful smirk on as Sehun's eyes darken. Jongdae watches the younger leaning down, and shudders when Sehun licks his lips. God, he hates that fucking habit of his, and at the same time, he kind of wants Sehun to use his tongue a little more.

"What if I do, Jongdae?" Jongdae gulps when he hears his name and instinctively grabs Sehun's shoulder. Sehun may be the embodiment of sex, he still calls his elders hyung, and most of the time, it's funny as hell to laugh at him for that – _rock’n’roll my ass_ , Chanyeol mocks him every time- but since Jongdae has found out about the other side of Sehun's manners, he doesn't laugh that much anymore. The fucker knows what he's doing.

"What if I do want that medal, uh? Will you give it to me?" Sehun adds, his face dangerously close. Jongdae squirms as Sehun's fingers slightly brush against his nipple. They fooled around enough for Sehun to not be tricked by Jongdae's playing anymore, but Jongdae still pretends that he doesn't desperately need Sehun body against his.

"I'm flattered, Sehun, that you consider me like your trophy. Am I such a good fuck that you--"

Sehun's mouth is on his, shutting Jongdae down and forcing him to swallow his smirk, and it's so easy that it's unfair. Jongdae could push him away, he could struggle, but Sehun's tongue is running along the curve of his lips, and it's easier to let him in. He doesn't give up without a good fight though, and goes to grab a handful of Sehun's hair at the back of his head. He pulls it and Sehun bites his lip for revenge. The kiss is messy and they're fighting for dominance, but Sehun still steals the oxygen from Jongdae's lungs, and soon, the latter doesn't mind the ferrous taste Sehun's tongue is leaving in his mouth anymore.

Sehun straddles him but the change of posture forces him to break the kiss. Jongdae takes advantage of it to fill his lungs again, but he lets all the oxygen out in faint moans when Sehun's fingers follow the ridges of his ribs. Jongdae's body grows longer under Sehun's touch and his hands grow desperate; it takes him less than a second to get Sehun's tank top out of the way. The white expanse of milky skin is almost painful for him (or maybe it's the way Sehun's fingers dig their way on his sides, leaving behind them red scratches that will disappear too soon) but he's too eager to mind the way it burns his retinas. Jongdae wants more-- needs more and he makes sure that Sehun feels it when he grabs the younger's hips to slide their still-clothed crotches together. The way Sehun moans is almost obscene, his swollen lips as pink as they always are, and he looks so young, so naïve that Jongdae would stop if he didn't know any better. Sehun tastes like heaven but Jongdae knows better than anyone else that he's actually built for sin.

Jongdae straightens up, just enough to force Sehun back into another kiss. This time, he's the one invading the other’s mouth, his whole body pulsating with want and need and more, _please more_. Sehun's hands rush to undo his belt but Jongdae stays in control. He maps Sehun's mouth with the tip of his tongue and swallows the other's low moans as his nails press red crescents on Sehun's skin. The guitarist tastes like the dozens of cigarettes he smoked and the many beers he gulped down, but Jongdae knows this taste-- he has the same one lingering in the back of his throat-- and it's not what he wants. Sehun is burning on the back of his tongue, intoxicating but addictive, and Jongdae grabs his face to deepen their kiss. His own whimper dies, curling around Sehun's tongue when the latter's hand disappears down his pants, but as much as Jongdae wants to breathe, he is not going to break the kiss. He needs to taste Sehun and not the black smoke that still lingers in the air around them. They decided that it would be their stress reliever when it first happened at one of the many after-parties they attend to, and somewhere along the way, Jongdae has grown addicted to the taste of Sehun, and he wants it now. He wants something else than what he can already have in the daylight, and he knows Sehun is his answer.

So Jongdae takes his time, his fingers buried in Sehun's bleached hair, to lick his mouth clean. Maybe it's a lost cause, maybe they're both too burnt to be something other than ashes but Jongdae is not going to give up. He doesn't know if it's hope, if he's just caught up in one of those fucked up metaphors about life, and if he's actually just trying to prove himself he can be cleaned too, but it doesn't matter in the end. Sehun resonates like another addiction through his whole body, and Jongdae doubts that this is the way of redemption, but he's already doomed so he surrenders easily. 

He is fully seated, with Sehun's skinny legs wrapped around his waist, both of their shirts on the bedroom's floor and their pants unbuttoned, when the taste of freedom finally blossoms on the tip of his tongue. Jongdae's fierce fight comes to an end, and if the black spots caused by the lack of oxygen that fill his vision when he breaks the kiss are any indication, it's about time. When he breathes in, Sehun's taste lingers in his mouth, stronger than smoke, as it always is.

"Jongdae..." Sehun softly moans right into his ear when Jongdae's fingers go past the waistband of his underwear. Jongdae watches him through his lashes and Sehun meets his gaze, eyes heavy with lust. He doesn't move though, and Jongdae almost feels uncomfortable when the silence draws out. Lately, and more often than not, Sehun would look at him with questioning eyes as if he was asking for permission. The fact that Jongdae is willingly giving him a hand job should be enough of an answer, but Sehun's eyes still stay fixated on his, looking for something Jongdae isn't even sure he has. He squirms uncomfortably under the heavy gaze and pulls out his hand from Sehun's underwear to grab his hips. He tips him over and runs away from the silent question in Sehun's eyes by leaning down to suck purple flowers on his collarbones. Sehun only wears shirts with collars way too low for his own good, and Jongdae always makes sure the bruises show, because he loves seeing fangirls squeal with excitement. The faint tension in Sehun's body finally fades away and soon enough, his hands are back on Jongdae's back as he gives in to Jongdae's mouth on his body.

Jongdae crumbles away under Sehun's touch, but he makes sure to bring a ruined Sehun down with him. When Sehun sits him on his lap, Jongdae wraps his legs around the younger's pointy hips with so much strength that Sehun's bones feel like knives tearing his thighs apart; he could probably choke him if his hands weren't buried deep in bleached hair, nails scratching against Sehun's scalp. He should be used to the burning slide of their bodies together by now, but it still catches him off-guard almost painfully, the friction drives him crazy, and he urges Sehun to bite him hard enough to draw blood when the musician nips the sensitive skin of his neck. The tension hurts, but nothing hurts more than Sehun all over his body-- and that's exactly how Jongdae wants it-- so when he finally explodes, he lets out the pain and the desperate need for Sehun in a silent moan that burns more than all the smoke he's ever breathed in. Sehun drowns his own climax in Jongdae's hair while keeping him pressed against his chest, close to his heart.

They pass out on the hotel room's floor, bodies still tangled, as dawn's first rays of light shyly reveal the bruises blooming on their skins.

 

Sometimes, when Jongdae sees the reflection of his body in the mirror after one of their nights together, he wonders if what he's doing with Sehun is really fucking, because he looks like he's finally paying for all the bad things he's done. Sehun is blooming all over his skin, in teeth marks and burning nail scratches, and Jongdae would be afraid if he wasn't used to bruises and muscular ache, but more importantly, if he didn't want it. He likes waking up to the burning pain of stiffness, especially when he can't say if the pain comes from Sehun or the adrenaline of being on stage the day before. It's much better than waking up, cold and alone, and knowing that it's your dream, and your dream only, that's wearing your body down to the core, and hurts so much.

 

 

“EXO! EXO! EXO! EXO!”

Jongdae closes his eyes to try and erase the loud cheering from his mind. When he and Chanyeol first came up with the name of their future band, it sounded so much different in their mouths, and he clearly remembers spending the night after in Baekhyun’s cellar, repeating the name endlessly while pretending to rehearse. It was what feels like centuries ago, and if it wasn’t for the fact that Jongdae still can say without any doubt what song they were rehearsing, and what were the lyrics he wrote that night, he would probably think the memory was some kind of recollection from one of his past lives. He misses the nights spent wide awake in his bed, the litany of _exo, exo, exo, exo, exo, exo_ coming from his mouth as the only sound in the sleepy silence. Everything is so different now, and the crowd he can’t see –but still can hear- screaming for him, for the whole band, makes him want to throw up. 

Someone grabs Jongdae’s shoulder and the latter knows who dares before even turning to face the intruder. They’ve been traveling with the same crew for several years now, and the roadies know better than disturbing the great Kim Jongdae before a show; but he’s known Chanyeol since their kindergarten days, and the kid still doesn’t know when he’s invading Jongdae’s personal space. 

Chanyeol’s wide grin gets on Jongdae’s nerves, just as much as the incessant recital of EXO on the other side, and he has to resist the urge to punch Chanyeol in the throat. 

“What?” he barks and Chanyeol raises an eyebrow. 

“Nervous, I see.”

Chanyeol doesn’t make the job easier for Jongdae, the latter having about a dozens of way to make the giant dumbass suffer flashing through his mind in less than one second, so he glares at his best friend and turns away to take another look at the stage, not trusting himself enough to actually answer. From where he’s standing, he can see Sehun’s spot at the opposite, his favorite Gibson carefully tuned and waiting to be picked up for their first song. Just a couple of feet on the left stands his microphone stand, and Jongdae really shouldn’t be estimating how many steps it will take him to get there, because his stomach is dangerously turning. The tension in his back is so strong that Jongdae feels like crumbling down when Chanyeol throws his arms around his shoulder, but Jongdae doesn’t push him away anyway. 

“We’re ready,” Chanyeol reassures him. “Everything is gonna be just fine. You’re gonna be great, as usual.”

Jongdae tears his gaze away from the stage to look up at EXO’s guitar solo prodigy. Park Chanyeol, in all his glory, is still taller than him, but his face isn’t as chubby as it was when they created EXO after watching a Guns’n Roses show on TV. His wide eyes are underlined with faded eyeliner, and his hair is a messy explosion of red locks, but his smile hasn't changed for a bit. Chanyeol is still the same, even in the way he moves his lips as the talks, the bastard didn’t even get all skinny and bony, like Jongdae. The latter can’t suppress the sting of jealousy, because after all these years, Chanyeol is still joyful and full of confidence, and Jongdae is as deadly nervous before every show as he was when they debuted years ago. 

“You think?” Jongdae finally asks in a whisper as he drives his gaze back to the stage. He feels more than he sees Chanyeol’s furious nodding next to him. 

“As usual,” his best friend retorts with a hint of impatience in his voice. 

The adrenaline is already rushing into Jongdae’s veins too, the spotlights are suddenly turned off on stage, and he knows it’s their signal. Soon, he’ll be standing next to his microphone stand, facing a hundred of people that came to see them perform, and he’ll remember how he actually loves to hear them screaming their band’s name, because it’s the only thing that makes sense. For now though, Jongdae feels like there are thousand burning needles piercing his internal organs, and soon, he’ll be choking on his own blood. Chanyeol squeezes his shoulder before letting him go, and there is something about the simple pressure that keeps Jongdae together. The sting of jealousy is long gone, replaced by an overwhelming relief, because there’s a reason that Chanyeol is the only guy allowed to come near Jongdae before a show, and Jongdae thanks the lord-- or whoever-- every night when he realizes the reason proves to still be true. 

One of the technicians raises his hands towards them, and Jongdae instinctively counts how many fingers are up. Ten. Ten seconds.

“Guys,” Chanyeol begins as Sehun, Tao and Jongin gather around them. “They paid to see us.”

Jongdae’s eyes meet Sehun’s on their way to the roadie’s hands. Nine.

“They waited for us all day long.” 

Sehun doesn’t blink and neither does Jongdae. The adrenaline is almost painful in his chest, begging him to use it, tickling his leg muscles to make him jump. The taste of all the honey sweet tea he gulped down to ease his vocal cords is stronger than before. 

“They probably buy our albums, they know the lyrics of our songs by heart.” Chanyeol’s voice is serious and low, like it always is before every show. Jongdae is kind of a leader for EXO but Chanyeol is always doing the you-better-move-your-ass-on-that-freaking-stage-or-I’ll-sit-on-your-instrument speech. 

Jongdae’s eyes are glued to Sehun’s, and Chanyeol’s solemn tone drowns in the litany of EXO and in the black of Sehun’s irises. Jongdae’s skin itches with electricity. He wants to listen to Chanyeol, he wants to hear the passion burning behind his words and see the excitation blowing his pupils wild, but he can’t tear his gaze away from Sehun. There’s a ghost of a smirk on the younger’s pink lips and before Jongdae even has to wonder, Sehun mouths a silent ‘zero’. 

The crowd is hyper and they all go wild when EXO comes up on stage. Jongdae doesn’t belong to himself anymore, and he makes sure to blow into so many pieces that everyone will be able to bring home a part of him tonight. They're going to spend the next two hours trying to bring the show to its zenith, using everything they can, from the instruments they master to their sweaty bodies, while making sure to take the whole crowd with them. Their blood turns into adrenaline, so pure, that a heart attack is probably lurking from where it soaks straight into their hearts, and sometimes, when he's out of breath, Jongdae feels it squeezing his heart. He's not the typical rock star who takes shots of heroin for breakfast, but in those moments, he knows that it won't change a thing in the end. He'll probably die on stage, a high note stuck in the back of his throat and the shadow of a climax he'll never reach in his eyes. The atmosphere is so wild, so surreal that Jongdae used to think it was all a dream back in the days, but hundreds of shows later, it feels more real than reality itself, while the dream is when the show comes to an end. He'd sell his soul to live a never-ending gig with a crowd like that one, and if it had to make his heart explode in his chest, then so be it. Jongdae would give a lot to go out with a loud bang rather than with an unnoticed whimper, and it turns out that after the peak, there's only the free fall-- bone-crushing withdrawal of adrenaline-- and none of them has learned to land on their feet yet. Jongdae feels more alive on stage than anywhere else. He knows they all do, this is where they belong.

They're past the middle of the set list when Jongin, high on power and wild screams, decides to improvise an impressive solo on the drums. Sehun grabs another silver guitar pick from the microphone stand they've been glued to, and put his right feet on one of the many amps at the front of the stage. Screams get wilder but Sehun's face remains neutral as he easily jumps into Jongin's rhythmic with heavy power chords and fast slides on the neck of his guitar. Tao is the next one to join, soon followed by Chanyeol who makes his old guitar-- his very first one that he just grabbed from the corner of the stage-- scream. Jongdae watches the ocean of manic humans before him, and it takes him a moment to realize he's as excited as them because of the music taking over his body. He feels something big that’s growing even larger in his chest and he feels the electricity and the power eating him alive as he tightens his hold around his microphone until his knuckles turn white. He finally lets all the tension out in a long, powerful high note. The blood is rushing to his ears and the oxygen is leaving his body but Jongdae keeps singing, falsetto stable and clear. He sings the note until it sucks him dry and he finds himself spread out on the dusty floor of the stage. Breathing hurts and there are black holes in the corners of his vision but, fuck it, he feels so alive and whole, clean of all the black smoke. He's been torn into so many pieces, but he doesn't care, because everyone in the crowd is giving him back way more than what he'd never be. The song ends in an explosion of screams and pure perfection, and Jongdae laughs as he raises his microphone to his lips.

"Scream for me, Osaka!"

And Osaka screams, so loud that he fears his eardrums may burst.

Tao gives him a hand to help him back up on his feet and Jongdae is blinded by the smile on the younger's lips. He figures out he probably has the same because Tao squeezes him in a quick hug. Jongdae throws an arm around his waist to keep him by his side as he finally faces the crowd again.

"The next song is one of our first singles," he announces in the microphone, and he sees the faces of the people in the first row lighten up. He already hears the title of their first high ranked song screamed through the whole venue. The ever-growing crack in his heart broadens a little more, but Jongdae keeps smiling. He needs to suck it up, they can't not play the song, not when it has become such a key song in their careers, and it's time for him to get used to it.

He lets go of Tao and raises his free hand up in the air.

"UPRISING!!"

His voice echoes all around him before disappearing into the intro EXO's musicians are now playing. Uprising hasn't changed much since that night in Baekhyun's cellar, sometimes they tweak it a bit to get rid of the dreariness of playing it almost every day, but the lyrics are the same and the melody sounds exactly like it did. It's the only song they kept from a time when EXO had only three members (it didn't last long though, because the day after, Jongdae, Baekhyun and Chanyeol were rushing to Jongin's house with eyes filled with dreams) and years later, only two of them are still performing it. Jongdae closes his eyes and lets the music, the screams and the artificial lights that break through his eyelids, take over him. Wondering if Tao, Jongin and Chanyeol suddenly feel as small and vulnerable as him costs him too much, and he doesn't need this, not when Uprising's lyrics rush to his head a few seconds before he opens his mouth to sing.

When they finally hit the bridge, Jongdae is next to Sehun. The guitarist has that aura-- like the air around him is thicker, so thick that it obstructs all the external noise, and Jongdae sinks in another world where even his thoughts are completely shut down-- that feels even stronger every time they perform Uprising. It’s not the first time Jongdae finds himself by his side during the song, but he never fights it. He thinks that a part of him, more or less important, evaluates Sehun as a neutral ground where it’s safe to stand, so he lets himself go.

Jongdae is busy grabbing and touching all the hands offered to him when the crowd evades his control. He frowns and turns his head back to the rest of his members, supposing that one of them is the reason behind the shriller screams and high-pitched shouts of envy. What he was expecting, though, was more something like Tao taking off his jacket with one of his famous sex faces, or even Chanyeol showing off his glorious guns; but not, in any case a still-playing Sehun being furiously kissed by some hysteric girl. She wears an EXO shirt, Jongdae notices, because he’d rather look at the silver logo than look at her pushing her tongue deep in Sehun’s throat. He also notes that Sehun’s fingers keep sliding on his guitar’s frets with ease, and that his wrist doesn’t make a slight mistake in the rhythmic when Jongdae was waiting for them to push the girl away. In the end, it’s one of the vigils that grabs her, and usually Jongdae is pretty protective with their fans –even the crazier ones- but now he kind of wishes the guy would just throw her away in the over-excited pit as a sacrifice for all the jealous fangirls. The security guard drags the girl out of the stage, where the song still keeps going. Tao is laughing his ass off, Jongin rolls his eyes in the back of his head and Chanyeol winks at some random girl -who will probably dream of her own miraculous breakthrough to the stage and to Chanyeol’s lips tonight- and Sehun… Sehun licks his lips, his eyes slowly turning to crescents, as he finally turns toward Tao, laughter drowned in the music but still pretty evident on his face. Jongdae sees red, and he burns hotter and hotter and hotter and _hotter_. 

 

“What the fuck was that?!” 

Jongdae’s voice is strained from all the singing, and he already feels his vocal cords aching after the way he pushed on them. He hit notes he shouldn’t even have tried to hit, but he had so much energy and adrenaline he really needed to get rid of. It didn’t work that well, obviously, seeing how he is now furiously glaring at everyone backstage. Jongin wipes away the sweat from his face with one of the towels they’ve been given before raising an eyebrow at him. Jongdae is about to tell him to fuck off with his stupid face when Tao gives him a powerful slap on the back, making him choke on his own words. 

“Damn, Jongdae, you were crazy tonight! You practically made the show on your own. I swear dude, I felt useless.”

Jongdae eludes another pat on his back, eyes scanning the whole place, looking for his scapegoat. He clenches his jaw when he sees Sehun and Chanyeol walking towards them, and he feels so hot he’s sure the blood in his veins is boiling. 

“Where the fuck is Junmyeon?!” he shouts, and the pleasure flashing through him when he catches sight of Chanyeol and Sehun looking at him with surprise isn’t nearly enough to calm him. 

Kim Junmyeon, EXO’s manager since their very first contract –he had quit his job at their first company to stay with them when they all left (because the company wanted more ‘trendy’ songs)- but more importantly, one of their closest friends, takes his work seriously. So when he hears his name, he rushes to the singer, grabbing everything he think might help on his way there. When he finally stops before Jongdae, his arms are full of water bottles, towels, mineral water sprays and jackets. 

“What? What is it? What’s happening?” Junmyeon asks with alarmed eyes. 

“ _What is happening?_ ” Jongdae mimics, harsher than what he was first aiming for. Before he feels guilty though, Chanyeol and Sehun stop next to them, and Jongdae is back at being a time bomb ready to explode. 

“Didn’t you see what happened on that stage, Junmyeon?!” His voice cracks with that stupid high-pitched tone he can’t help but have when he’s angry. Junmyeon winces and shyly raises a bottle of water towards him. 

“You really shouldn’t scream, Jongdae, your voice--”

“Yeah, and more importantly, you’re getting on my nerves, Jongdae.” Chanyeol completes with dark eyes, his tone low and imposing. Being Jongdae’s childhood friend doesn’t only bring advantages, but it still gives him the ability to feel Jongdae’s tantrums coming, and even if, most of the time, Chanyeol chooses the safer decision –flee to save his skin- there are times like these when he steps in the game and tries to neutralize Jongdae. 

Jongdae, though, isn’t ready to let go, and he won’t let Chanyeol shut him down so easily. He thinks he has all the rights to be angry, and _fuck_ , if he wants to scream, then he’s going to scream. 

“That’s all you have to say? I mean, a crazy girl manages to go up on stage, and your reaction is just ‘ _shut up Jongdae_ ’? What if Sehun had been hurt? What if she had wanted to harm him? Or any of us?”

Tao and Jongin exchange a look before eyeing Jongdae as if he was crazy, but Jongdae really couldn’t care less. He wants to find someone to blame, he wants all of his members to be just as furious as he is, so he won’t have to wonder, or even think about the burning rage in his veins tomorrow. Instead of that, there are five dumbfounded guys staring at him, adding fuel to the fire Jongdae already is. At this stage, it seems like the only thing that will eventually help him calm down, is sacrificing himself that stupid girl. Who knows where that hysteric tongue vacuum is now, so Jongdae will have to make do with his second best choice: picking on the weakest of the pack. 

“Seriously, Junmyeon—”

“It’s _hyung_ for you, Jongdae.” Chanyeol thunders but Jongdae ignores him with brio. 

“—imagine if she had had a gun hidden? Going down in history is great, but not like Pantera did, with a shot and killed guitarist on stage.”

“ _Please_ ,” Chanyeol mocks him, before pointing at a confused Sehun –not that Jongdae is looking at him, because he’s afraid he’ll break his fingers if he did. “Does Sehun seem traumatized to you? The girl probably has his face everywhere in her bedroom. She just saw a chance to kiss wonderful and sexy Oh Sehun, and she did it, that’s all. And if I remember well, Sehun liked it.” 

Jongdae’s heart beats faster than ever, so fast that it burns down every ounce of power and energy his body still has. He feels it pumping in his legs, at the tip of his fingers and even in the small of his back, and for a second, it feels like his whole body revolves around this complex set of cardiac muscles, veins, arteries and valves. It takes so much space in his chest’s cavity that it crushes his lungs, stopping Jongdae from breathing. The atmosphere gets heavier, so much heavier that it could crush Chanyeol as if he were an ant –and Jongdae wishes it would. 

Sehun awkwardly clears his throat. 

“I’m sorry for what happened, Jongdae,” Junmyeon hesitantly intervenes, his eyes going back and forth between Chanyeol and Jongdae. “I’ll strengthen security for the next show, and it won’t happen again, okay?”

“Yes, _please_ ,” Jongdae snaps, still facing Chanyeol and fighting the urge to punch him. “And you,” he adds to the giant dumbass. “You’re an asshole.” 

Chanyeol shrugs as one of his stupid smiles takes up three quarters of his face, and Jongdae takes it as his cue to leave. He can’t look at Chanyeol without dreaming of murdering him, but most of all, it’s Sehun’s presence that gets to him the most. Jongdae can hear him breathing and the deep, regular sound makes his skin itch almost painfully. He feels betrayed, because Sehun was the one who got attacked but he still stayed silent during the whole fight, not even helping Jongdae out. Flashes of slender fingers sliding on a guitar’s neck go through Jongdae’s mind, along with crescent eyes and pink moist lips. He feels himself falling into an endless urge of burning, wants to hit and punch, and the only thing that keeps him from getting completely toasted by his anger is Chanyeol’s voice, once again resonating annoyingly in his head. 

“Jongdae? I said, ‘Do you want to come drink a beer or two somewhere?’”

Jongdae feels Sehun’s eyes, heavy on him, and it makes him fall faster. 

“Fuck off,” he retorts to Chanyeol, but when he turns on his heels and walks away, the only thing he actually wonders is if Sehun got splashed by his anger too. 

He hopes he did.

 

Jongdae's vision is filled with black smoke, and it burns his lungs in the most painful way. He keeps breathing, though, because when the smoke penetrates his body, it covers everything with a thick layer of ashes, hiding the tiredness and the way his body suffers from it. Sometimes, when Jongdae feels like the damages are too important to still be ignored, he pictures black unguent filling up the holes, noxious and impenetrable shield against what can still harm him. He’s not even sure why he feels so tired all of a sudden, he just knows that his limbs are heavier than ever and that a plain hotel bed never looked more appealing to him. Tours are exhausting, and he supposes that it’s just the consequences of their Japanese one finally catching up with him. 

The cigarette dies between his lips, but Jongdae keeps its butt between his teeth. He doesn’t want to move, and he figures that, with the cigarette being out, he finally can fall asleep and, who knows, never wake up again. He liked it better when he was angry, even if he was just burning energy he didn’t really have, because at least he was still able to stand on his own two feet. He thinks about the texts Chanyeol sent him a couple of hours earlier and considers calling him to ask him to come. Seeing Chanyeol’s stupid face will, for sure, rekindle the anger, but that would also mean letting the peaceful silence go, and Jongdae isn’t ready for it.

Unfortunately, when he feels his eyelids finally getting heavier, there’s a sharp knock on his door, jerking him back to reality. No need to wonder who is on the other side of the door, because Jongdae only knows one person who knocks like that –short and abrupt, as if he needs to force himself while creating that stupid need Jongdae now has to see his face. He throws the cigarette butt away and drags himself to the door. 

“What do you want?” Jongdae barks as soon as the door reveals Sehun standing awkwardly in the corridor. The thing about Sehun is that his strong and magnetic aura also comes with shyness, and his slender body with an adorable lisp when he gets nervous. He's a walking paradox, a complex mix of awkward and dangerously sexy, and the whole band has grown used to it, but it's still as funny as it was during Sehun’s first days in EXO, to watch some fans stumble and lose their composure in front of the enigma that is Oh Sehun. His hypnotizing aura was probably the reason why he got accepted so easily by their hardcore fans when he became a regular member of EXO.

Sehun raises a bottle of wine between their faces as an explanation, but Jongdae's eyes remain glued to Sehun's face, looking for signs of guilt. He isn't exactly sure why, but he wants Sehun to apologize. Something tells him that it would make the exhaustion fade away better than the ten hours of sleep he'll never have anyway.

"You know," Sehun breaks the silence, still holding the bottle between the two of them. "Junmyeon hyung yelled at the security guards after you left. You should have seen it, that tiny piece of man terrorizing a whole bunch of giant muscular dudes. I think he made one of them cry, and I'm pretty sure the guy was strong enough to crush Junmyeon hyung's skull between his hands."

Sehun chuckles, and Jongdae almost joins him before remembering he's very angry at Sehun. He has no trouble picturing the scene, though. Junmyeon can be quite scary, and it's even more terrifying at first, because he really doesn't look like that kind of guy. Huge mistake, never think of Junmyeon as your innocent sweet typical cutie pie. There's a reason he has not gone crazy after almost eight years of working with EXO, after all. 

Sehun's chuckles die out in the pale corridor. Jongdae can't stop staring at his eyes, his lips, his nose, although there's a voice in the back his mind that urges him to find something to say. He could grab the bottle and take Sehun into his room. They would talk, play guitar and sing, and it would end like it always does, with Jongdae wrapped up around Sehun's body and Sehun refusing to let him go. The idea is tempting and Jongdae realizes he's kind of scared of waking up alone, but he can't move, and the bottle of wine stays untouched by him. 

"Come on, hyung. You can't still be angry about that. It was nothing, seriously, she wasn't even dangerous, I saw it right away. She was just...a little bit too excited, I guess." 

“Yeah, I saw that. The kiss was pretty passionate.” 

“Passionate? I don’t know if it’s the right word, hyung. She fucking sucked up all the saliva in my mouth.”

“Then why didn’t you push her away?” Jongdae blurts out, his voice still a bit strained. 

Sehun doesn’t answer, watching him instead with furrowed brows and confusion written all over his face. His silence is even more irritating that his incessant babbling. It’s invisible, but tensed and electric, turning the storm that Jongdae is into a destructive tornado. 

“Chanyeol was right. You enjoyed that fucking kiss, didn’t you?”

“I…I don’t understand… Are you mad at me?” Sehun looks at him like a puppy Jongdae just hit, but Jongdae isn’t going to let the younger fool him like that. 

“No,” Jongdae shouts. “Why would I be angry, Sehun? Why?!”

There isn’t any silence this time, only the sound of Jongdae’s furious breathing as he clenches his fists. He really isn’t mad at Sehun, he’s just tired and irritated, and there’s no way Sehun is going to believe him if Jongdae keeps opening his mouth before closing it almost right away, swallowing down furious reproaches. Time plays against him, at least it feels like so, because Sehun’s eyes darken with every second passing by. When the guitarist finally opens his mouth again, Jongdae isn’t sure who the storm is anymore. 

“Is this about us?” Sehun questions with authority, stopping Jongdae from looking away just with the way his eyes shoot daggers at him. “Because if it is, then fuck you, Jongdae. You were the one who kept saying it was just a stress reliever. You have no right to be jealous, you hear me?” Sehun breathes heavily before adding. “And _who the fuck_ calls sex a ‘stress reliever’ anyway? That's just fucking stupid!”

Sehun’s words don’t hurt Jongdae, because he’s too far gone for his brain to really register them. He shoves Sehun away, his hands burning on the younger’s chest, and forgets to breathe, to blink, he forgets everything. He just knows that he hates Sehun, he hates him so much, and he wants him gone. 

“There isn’t any ‘us’! There’s just you, and me, okay?! Now, get the hell out of here, and take your disgusting Japanese wine with you!”

Sehun grits his teeth, his eyes now cold and opaque, before throwing the bottle away. The guitarist doesn’t react when the glass smashes, leaving a purple stain on the ivory wall that blossoms until it reaches the floor. 

“Fuck you.”

Jongdae doesn’t wait for Sehun to disappear at the end of the corridor. He rushes back into the shelter of his room, his heart threatening to jump out of his chest via his mouth, taking with it his lungs and everything that could make Jongdae think he isn’t actually empty. Jongdae doesn’t make that mistake, though, he barely makes three steps before collapsing on the floor. The surface is cold and hard, but the bed is too far away, and all the energy Jongdae had is being drained from his body by the burning tears on his cheeks. He clenches his fists and hits the floor as hard as he can, wincing after at the pain. It’s stupid, he’s stupid, the whole thing is stupid, and it’s going to cost him more than he can afford. For now, though, he is just going to close his eyes and stay on the floor, as numb as possible. 

He’s woken up a couple of hours later by his phone. He drags it to his ear and Junmyeon’s sweet voice asks him softly if Jongdae wants to explain why there is wine everywhere on the wall next to his room. Jongdae stays silent, and Junmyeon understands –he always does. His voice is even sweeter when he finally asks if Jongdae needs something. Jongdae considers asking him to come so he can help him to get to bed, because his whole body hurts, but he realizes that he kind of likes it down here. He says no. 

Junmyeon understands, of course, and the door opens quietly. 

part ii

Jongdae is too sleepy to be able to enjoy the landscapes passing before his eyes through the bus window, he's too sleepy to admire Japan's greenery and even too sleepy to be saddened by the fact that he's missing. He has always liked Japan -although not as much as he loves China- but there's something about Japan that resonates through his whole body. He supposes it has something to do with the fact that Japan is an island that hasn't always been an island: one day it was a piece of rock connected to the rest of the continent by majestic glaciers, and the day after, everything had melted, leaving imprudent hunters at the mercy of the isolation. Centuries later, Japan is still here despite of all the disasters, wars and other misfortunes, and it has its own culture, its own history. Jongdae likes the idea of walking against the tide, and still be there at the end of the run. Japan is indestructible, at least it feels like so for Jongdae, and he knows it has been proven wrong by hundreds of scientists and earthquakes, but Jongdae seriously keeps doubting Japan will ever disappear. If there was a rockband with countries as members, Japan would definitely be one of them. 

Jongdae's inner rambling lulls him to sleep, but he's not deep enough into it to not feel the presence of someone about to sit down next to him. Jongdae eyes are closed, but the subtle mix of lightness and heaviness when Jongin flops on the bus seat still gives him away. Through eyelids heavy with sleep, Jongdae catches a glimpse of an equally as tired Jongin scrolling down his phone with an uninterested frown on his face. 

“Is there something wrong?” Jongdae asks, a little worried, because he can't refrain himself from pampering the boy next to him. Jongin is two years younger than him -just like Sehun-, but he's taller, more muscular, and he probably has sex way more often than Jongdae does -not that Jongdae wants to think about that, thank you-, but he still can't help it. Jongin is, and always will be, his baby. 

Said baby turns his head towards Jongdae and flashes him a genuine, although weary, smile. 

“Of course not. Why would something be wrong?”

Jongdae shrugs before curling up against Jongin's side, the younger's hoodie making a better pilow than the window. He blinks sleepily and watches Jongin's texts pass on the phone screen. Jongin doesn't protest, nor does he hide his phone. Just like Jongdae is totally incapable of being angry at Jongin, Jongin can't keep secrets from Jongdae -not because Jongdae is the most invading being on this planet (even if he actually is) but beause Jongin sincerely needs to tell him everything. 

“Did you hear from Taemin, today?” Jongdae absentmindedly asks as he tries not to purr at the sight of Jongin's phone background -one of the selcas they always take everywhere they go. 

“Nah,” Jongin answers with the same detached tone. “And I don't think I'll hear from him tomorrow as well.”

Jongdae tears his gaze away from the phone to look up at a still indifferent Jongin. 

“Don't tell me you two...”

“Yeah. We broke up yesterday.”

Jongdae just needs to furrow his eyebrows and pinch his lips together to get Jongin to correct himself. 

“Okay, I did. I broke up.” Jongin shrugs with a guilty smile. 

So Lee Taemin is now another victim of what Jongdae likes to call the _jonginlikesbreakupsalittletoomuchitis_ , he thinks sadly. He liked Taemin, he was nice to Jongin, and the fact that his boyfriend was more often in a tour bus than home didn't scare him away. Plus, he was a dancer, and Jongdae will never admit it, but he litteraly squealed with joy when Jongin told him. Jongin used to dance a lot when they were younger, and he had so much talent, but when they finally decided to try as a band, Jongin stopped dancing to focus on their rehearsals. Years later, Jongin's body is still as fluid as it was, long limbs moving with grace, as if he was sliding more than walking, making Jongdae wonder if dancing wasn't actually Jongin's destiny. He once asked the younger if he missed ballet, and Jongin said yes, but he also said that, even though he loved dancing, he loves making music even more, and that he made the right choice.

“I liked Taemin,” Jongdae protests. “Why did you have to break up with him?”

Jongin lets out a laugh as he switches to his unread mail. Jongdae bites his lips to try and hide his smile when he sees a mail from Jongin's mom, titled as “ _Ninie ♥_ ”. Jongin glares at him before opening the said message. 

“If you like him that much, maybe I should give you his number,” the younger growls. “So you two can date and finally leave me in peace.”

“Don't be disrespectful to your elders, Ninie.”

“Go fuck yourself, _please hyung_.”

Jongdae laughs and pinches Jongin's cheeks, who lets out a whimper of protestation and tickles Jongdae as a counterattack. There isn't much space, but Jongin still manages to kick Jongdae in the stomach, before screaming for help when Jongdae sits on his lap to choke him. When their sore limbs finally become too hard to ignore, after a lot of elbowing and pleading moans, they fall back on their seats, out of breath, their laughs making their bellies hurt way more than the muscular ache of yesterday's show. They share a glance before Jongin gets his phone back from his pocket, and Jongdae goes back to cuddling with the younger's hoodie, pleased and warm. This is a nice kind of routine, he thinks, different than the one that weighs on all of them when they're on tour. 

He watches the drummer quickly type a short mail to his mom. _'I'm fine, Japan is as nice as it was last time! I miss you too, but I'll call you soon, okay? Please don't worry for me, you'll get too much wrinkles! Take care of you. I love you. PS: tell dad I miss him too. Your Ninie.'_ Jongdae takes Jongin's phone and adds something at the end of the mail, before pressing the send button when Jongin shows his consent to what Jongdae just typed. _'Don't worry, I'm taking good care of your son, although the cheeky bastard isn't nice to me! Kisses, Jongdae.'_

“So what are you going to do now?” Jongdae finally asks as he hands Jongin back his phone. 

Jongin locks it and puts it away, refraining a yawn just long enough to answer. 

“I don't know. Probably have a lot more sex. I kinda like the singer of our opening band, you know?” Except that Jongdae doesn't know, and Jongin knows it, so he keeps going. “Not the Chinese guy, it's Luhan, and he's cool and everything, but, I mean, Kyungsoo is cuter. He's small and he has huge eyes?” 

Jongdae nods, pretending to remember said Kyungsoo when he has actually no idea who the hell he is. Jongin's interrogative eyes crinkle as the drummer smiles. He then buries his hands in his hoodie's pockets, eyelids heavy with sleep. 

“He's a little bit weird, and cold at first, but I think he's interesting.” 

Once again, Jongdae nods, not sure what he's agreeing to, but wanting to please Jongin nevertheless. He doesn't ask if Jongin has already talked to that Kyungsoo, because he knows he has. Behind his sexy smirks and dark eyeliner, Jongin is a little kid, way too excited, who loves making new friends. He probably has Kyungsoo's and all the latter's band members' numbers already saved on his phone, drown in a thousand of other names. Jongdae compares with his own phone, who barely contains more than thirty numbers, with more than the half of them that he never calls. It's not that he doesn't like making new friends -Jongdae enjoys having fun, just like everyone- but befriending someone is quite scary when you think about it. You have to let them in, and not only reveal them your darkest secrets, but you also have to face the urge to tell them everything that happens to you. It's actually funny, now that Jongdae considers it, because he makes a lot of dumb things -like smoking and drinking probably too much- without thinking about the consequences, but he finds it particularly hard to ignore the price that comes with every friendship. It takes a lot of trust, and a lot of unspoken words both parties are supposed to guess, to let someone into your life, and even like that, nothing can't keep the leaving part from happening. It's a lot of bets for too few advantages -at least it is in Jongdae's opinion, but obviously, Jongin doesn't share his point of view.

Jongdae watches the younger as his body relaxes against his own. Jongin's eyes are closed, and with his cheeks still flushed by all the laughing, he looks genuinely peaceful. There's nothing on his face that gives away the fact that he broke up the day before with his six-month-old boyfriend, but Jongdae wasn't expecting tears and longing, anyway, not from Jongin. He figured out long ago that it was more out of curiosity than nastiness, and that Jongin wasn't playing hard to get. When he's in a relationship, he just can't help himself from thinking about all the what ifs. What if I'm not with the good person? What if I can find better? What if he's not my soulmate? Jongdae may not believe in love at first sight so he still respects Jongin's optimism. 

“Hyung?” Jongin whispers, his eyes still closed, and if it wasn't for the slight tension in his body, Jongdae would have thought he was actually sleeping. He hums, stopping himself from looking up at Jongin. The latter has his eyes closed anyway, and Jongdae knows him too well to think it's a coincidence. Like a little kid, Jongin thinks that some things are easier to face when you don't have to actually _face _them.__

__“Did something happen between you and Sehun?”_ _

__Jongdae's eyes automatically look for Sehun, a few rows ahead of them. From where he's standing, he can see some brown locks, and it's not difficult to picture the guitarist fast asleep against the window, his earphones plugged in. Jongdae also sees Tao's long legs spread out in the aisle, like it always is when Tao and Sehun sit together on the bus because their legs are just too long to fit between the seats. There isn't any high-pitched giggling covering the engine sound, so Jongdae concludes that the both of them are actually asleep. Jongdae's heart aches a little, because Sehun is the most beautiful when he sleeps, with no attitude and no facade that can hide his young age, and he wishes he could enjoy the view._ _

__Still lost in his thoughts, Jongdae doesn't notice Jongin now looking at him._ _

__“Hyung?”_ _

__Jongdae blinks._ _

__“Did he tell you something?”he finally asks._ _

__Jongin shakes his head before shrugging. “No, but I've figured out. What happened? Did you two fight?”_ _

__Jongdae thinks about Sehun's black eyes and the bottle of wine, he thinks about Sehun's confusion quickly turning into anger, and how the words easily left his mouth, like he had been waiting for so long already to throw his reproaches at Jongdae. Jongdae wouldn't exactly call it 'fighting', not in the way Jongin means it, anyway, because in the end, Sehun just wanted to have sex, and Jongdae said no. The fact that Jongdae has been missing him since then is just another proof that it had to stop. They were friends in the beginning and it should have stayed that way._ _

__“Not really. Don't worry about it though, it's not important.”_ _

__Jongin seems to be about to add something, but he finally closes his mouth and silently watches a lost Jongdae._ _

__“What?” the latter asks, confused._ _

__“Nothing,” Jongin pulls back his hood over his head before sinking deeper in his seat with another yawn. “I hope everything will go back to normal soon, because it's weird not to have you two talking anymore.”_ _

__With that, Jongin finally closes his eyes again, informing Jongdae that their talk is over. It doesn't take more than thirty seconds for his breath to slow down and his features to soften as sleep takes over him, and soon enough, Jongdae is left staring, and wide awake. Everything is deathly silent, roadies, manager, and musicians all fast asleep, and Jongdae doesn't think about it for a whole minute before standing up and carefully stepping over Jongin to get to the bus driver. He needs someone to talk to, and the guy is actually pretty nice, so it will do. In the silence and the solitude, his thoughts get louder, and he's too used to the noise and the loud music to remember how to deal with them, so he runs away, as fast as he can._ _

__He walks by Chanyeol's seat, smiling when he notices the latter fast asleep in a position that doesn't seem comfortable at all -his chin against his chest and his legs crossed- and keeps going, trying to ignore the way his heart beats faster as Sehun's head gets closer. He curses Tao and his long legs that keep him from running to the front of the bus, but still avoids them, careful not to step on them. Tao is a pain in the ass when he's hurt, pouting with trembling lips and teary eyes until he's given everything he wants. When Jongdae got the Chinese's fingers caught in a door a few months ago, it costed him a new phone and a week of treating him chicken. It's Sehun, Jongdae recalls, that actually asked Tao to stop, because having three phones is a little bit _hipster_ Tao, and because I want to eat a pizza with Jongdae hyung without you dumbass baby whining in my ears, now leave us alone. Freedom never tasted so good, and they ended up going to the movie after their shared pizza. Sehun held Jongdae's hand throughout the whole movie, and then he kissed him slowler, but also deeper than ever when they finally fell on Jongdae's bed. _ _

__Jongdae isn't sure how much time has passed since he completely froze on the aisle, his fingers digging in the seats for support, because his mind is too busy remembering the taste of Sehun's lips against his own. His heart beats erraticaly in his chest, almost painfully, and a shot of pure electricity sends shivers down his spine along with a recrudescence of memories. His body obviously remembers Sehun better than his mind, because now every inch of his skin itches for Sehun's touch, Sehun's fingers, Sehun's lips, Sehun's everything. His breath tangles in the back of his throat, and he knows he shouldn't, but he turns around anyway._ _

__Sehun isn't sleeping, like Jongdae supposed he would be. The guitarist is wide awake, silent and motionless, and he watches Jongdae with serious eyes. For a second, Jongdae wonders if Sehun knows how to read minds, if he heard, by one way or another, what Jongdae was just thinking about -what he is still thinking about- but he wipes it from his mind when Sehun doesn't make a single move. There's something in the guitarist's eyes that almost looks pleading, a wrinkle on his forehead that Jongdae wants to kiss away, and a invisible electrical storm thickening the air all around him. Jongdae gets so easily caught by the magnetism that he should be ashamed, and he instantaneously pictures himself on Sehun's lap, pressed against his chest, where he already knows he fits perfectly, as he steals kisses he doesn't want Sehun to give to anyone else._ _

__Jongdae turns on his heels and strides as fast as he can, almost running to the driver's seat to escape Sehun's orbit before he crashes. When he finally stops, he's not sure if his lungs are still in his chest anymore, seeing how breathing is almost impossible. He doesn't turn back to see if Sehun is still looking at him, but the back of his neck keeps itching while he talks with the driver, and it's not hard to imagine dark eyes digging into his skin._ _

__

__Fucking eyes. Fucking dark eyes, and fucking long fingers, fucking long neck. _Fucking Oh Sehun_. Jongdae didn't sleep a wink all night, even though he was exhausted, but did it stop his mind from flashing fucking Oh Sehun every three seconds? Certainly not. On top of that, Sehun's room happened to be next to his, and Jongdae heard him giggling like a five year old with Jongin all night long. His bed was way too large for him to simply fall asleep, and all he could think about was how Sehun was laughing with him instead of Jongin a few days ago. But Jongdae doesn't care, he doesn't fucking care anymore. So what if Sehun keeps ignoring him? Did Jongdae really do something wrong? Who got kissed by a girl, after all? Certainly not Jongdae. He doesn't care that Sehun's fingers kept sliding on his guitar's neck instead of pushing the girl away, doesn't care that he was smiling after the kiss instead of looking guilty. He doesn't. Fucking. Care. _ _

__Sehun can go to hell, and Jongdae will stay right here and have fun with.... Right, what's her name, again?_ _

__“I'm so glad I changed my mind last minute and decided to come here!” Whatshername squeals with excitement, and Jongdae flashes her one of his rockstar smiles. It's superficial, far from being sincere, and barely friendly, but it does have an effect, seeing how the girl is now giggling._ _

__Jongdae goes to grab his beer on the bar, and accidentally locks eyes with Junmyeon, a few meters away from him. His eyebrows are furrowed and his lips pressed into a thin line. _'You're drunk'_ , Jongdae hears him say in his own mind, and he knows Junmyeon -or maybe it's his conscience, they both sound the same anyway- is right, but he doesn't seem to be able to stop himself. Next to Junmyeon, Sehun is laughing, flashy orange cocktail in the hand, eyes turning into malicious crescents, and it's not fair. Jongdae should have fun too, instead of staring and hoping that Sehun will finally look back at him. _ _

__“I'm glad you did too,” he humors the girl, who immediately starts blushing._ _

__Letting go is easy. Being drunk is even easier. Jongdae realizes things he tends to forget when he's stuck in reality, like how he should be proud of himself because he actually made it. He had a dream, and it was wide, but he made it, despite everything. He should be proud, instead of moping around all day long, because he's stronger than all of this. He's stronger than the bitterness and the exhaustion, stronger than the huge void Baekhyun left behind him when he gave up on EXO, he's stronger than Sehun and the deadly sins printed all over his milky skin, and he should just show them. How he just doesn't fucking care anymore._ _

__He sees the girl's pupils blow wide with shock when Jongdae leans down to her, and the next thing he registers is the faint taste of cherry gloss on her lips. He could get used to it, he thinks, cherry gloss is nice, and it doesn't burn like smoke and nights spent drinking beers. They don't fight for dominance, and Jongdae doesn't lose himself as soon as their lips touch. It's just nice, peaceful and it probably looks a lot like those kisses in Korean dramas, but maybe that's the way it should be. Jondgae's hands are firmly cupping the girl's face, and he doesn't want -doesn't _need_ \- to let them wander all over her body. It's just a kiss, and Jongdae is still Jongdae. _ _

__“What the fuck do you think you're doing?!”_ _

__Someone brutally pushes Jongdae, this way forcing him to break the kiss, but everything happens too fast for Jongdae's drunken mind, and the next thing he knows, pain explodes in his under lip when Sehun's fist crashes on his face. Whatshername cries out in fear, her hands on her mouth, and everyone in the bar is now staring at them -not that Jongdae cares, because the only thing he actually sees is Sehun with his fists clenched as if he was dying to use them on Jongdae again._ _

__“Guys,” Junmyeon warms them before turning towards the girl with a reassuring smile. “It's okay,” he tells her, all sweet and nice. “They just drank a little too much so we're gonna head back to the hotel now. Have a good night.”_ _

__Junmyeon is an iron fist in a velvet glove: he keeps smiling to everyone but his fingers dig painfully into Jongdae and Sehun's arms as he drags them outside. Junmyeon is a good manager, because he knows how to manipulate people, he knows how to contain a crowd without having to raise his voice or threaten anyone, and the whole band witnesses it one more time when their exit goes unnoticed by the dozens of people now back at enjoying their Friday night. His reassuring smiles make no mistake about how angry he really is though, and as soon as they're in the back alley, away from prying eyes, he roughly pushes the two of them._ _

__“What were you thinking about, Sehun?!”_ _

__Junmyeon never curses, but the anger in his eyes is usually violent enough. Not this time, though, because Sehun doesn't lower his head, like he generally does. Instead, he points a trembling finger at Jongdae._ _

__“You should ask him!” Sehun yells, before turning to face Jongdae. “What were you thinking about, you asshole, uh?!”_ _

__All the alcohol suddenly vanishes from Jongdae's body, fading away with every sassy answers he could have come up with, when he notices Sehun's eyes glittering with tears. The guitarist is furious, like Jongdae has never seen him, and the sight is terrifying. Sehun is out of breath, his anger so strong that it took over his whole body. He clenches his hand on his shirt as if trying to extract his own heart from his chest, and he moans with barely contained fury, unable to stay still. Junmyeon is obviously as shocked as Jongdae -so are Tao, Jongin and Chanyeol- seeing how Sehun's short breaths are the only things that can be heard in the alley._ _

__“Did you... Why... You're such a...” Sehun muffles a scream of pure frustration as he clenches his teeth. He closes his eyes and hides his face in his hands._ _

__It's weird, Jongdae thinks, because he could have sworn it was still summer when they left the hotel to go to the bar, but now there's ice blocking his veins and making his heart crackles. Maybe he is dreaming after all -and it could explain a lot, like how he is unable to move or even talk, and how terrifyingly pliable Sehun looks. Jongdae knows Sehun's body, he used to hate it with passion almost every night, and watch it turning the air into electrical storms with the slightess move. Sehun is a long line that always seemed endless under his fingertips, all sharp angles and straightness, graceful and steady, even in the way he used to break down under Jongdae's touch; but now he appears almost boneless and elastic, as if his limbs were slipping out of his control. Sehun is crumbling away, one mutted scream of anger after another._ _

__“You little shit,” Sehun sobs between gritted teeth._ _

__Everything Jongdae has felt these past few days comes back to him; punching the air out of his lungs. It's like breathing in a lungful of black smoke, but this time not only with his lungs, but also with his pores and every tiny cell of his body. He's suffocating -even parts of him he didn't know could die from the lack of air are now begging for an injection of oxygen- but Jongdae can only open his mouth and swallow more black smoke. The power he wanted to have over Sehun was there all along, but it turns out that it doesn't taste as great as he thought it would. It's poisonous and it burns his tongue, in a way more painful way than Sehun's kisses used to do so. Jongdae believes he'll be reduced to ashes really soon, so he finally takes a step forward. He's still not sure about what he's going to say when he opens his mouth, but he knows for sure that if he was a nice kid once, he has now grown up to something completely different, greedy and stupid, and he's about to act selfishly once again by asking Sehun to calm down, because Jongdae is scared. So fucking scared._ _

__“Sehun? Please, I--”_ _

__Sehun jolts out of his unbalanced dance with his rage when he hears Jongdae's voice. Jongdae feels flimsy, but he still feels Sehun's mental grip on his body, as if he was some kind of life preserver for a drowning Sehun. Unfortunately, he is also why Sehun was sinking in dark waters in the first place._ _

__“Fuck you,” Sehun throws at him, his voice already hoarse. “We've had sex for months, Jongdae! Months! How could you think that some random crazy fan girl kissing me would matter to me more than you do?!” Sehun kicks an empty can of beer with a furious scream. He has never looked so young, Jongdae thinks, and he's not sure why, but it makes him want to cry. “You're so fucking scared of losing everything that you just throw it all away, as if it would hurt you less if you were the one leaving. Guess what?! It doesn't work like that, you dickhead!” Sehun's voice is a pitch higher and it keeps getting higher and higher, but also stormier, as Sehun lets it all out without breathing a single time. He's drowning anyway, and breathing would mean a lungful of cold and icy water in his body forever. “I didn't choose to kiss that girl, but you did! I know you too well to think that you don't care about me, and I was so patient with you, but then... It fucking hurts, Jongdae! You can't kiss anyone but me, do you hear me?! YOU CAN'T KISS ANYONE BUT ME, YOU ASSHOLE!”_ _

__Jongdae is still petrified, and Sehun is still moving. But then, his body seems to relax suddenly, forcing Sehun to slide down against the wall before sitting down on the dirty ground. He brings his knees closer to his chest and closes his eyes, seeming extremely tired._ _

__“Just... take that fucking cocky confidence of yours with you, and leave me the fuck alone,” Sehun finally mutters, the back of his head resting against the bricks._ _

__Out of all of Sehun’s words, those are the ones that hit Jongdae the most. They sound a little bit familiar -so does the ache in his heart- and he knows he doesn't want to go through all of this again. Last time, he had to face the bleeding of his heart until it finally turned into swollen scars that would always itch, but he feels like this time, it could actually kill him. Sehun's words carve themselves on his bones, where Jongdae can't possibly heal, and the pain is unbearable and terrifying -mostly because he knows he could have done something to avoid it, but instead chose to go for it again. Realization -of things he never wanted to realize- isn't like a cold shower -like it was when he saw Sehun's teary eyes- but more like walking into a frozen lake. His body turns to ice, slowly, and the quiet process numbs his legs, then moving up to nibble on his belly, and by the time it reaches his heart, Jongdae is a crying mess, all terrified and desperate sobs._ _

__Sehun watches him a few seconds before he takes his face back in his hands, and slowly shakes his head, his broken sobs weakly barely making it through his fingers._ _

__“You can't kiss anyone but me, hyung...”_ _

__Tao and Jongin are the first ones to move. They walk towards Sehun and help him to get back on his feet, their movements more synchronized than ever, but also slower and kind of hazier too, as if they were trying to shuffle as little air as possible, never really leaving Sehun's personal space. They lock their arms under Sehun's, and softly drag him out of the alley. There is nothing that Jongdae can do, except keep crying as Jongin glares at him, wrinkles dug out by anger on his forehead. Tao won't even look at him because he's probably too furious for that, and Jongdae really can't blame him._ _

__“I-Is there something I can do?” Jongdae almost begs as Tao, Sehun and Jongin walk by him. He doesn't miss the way Sehun shudders, as if the idea itself was already too hard on him. Tao and Jongin don't even slow down, and Jongdae is about to run after them and throw himself at Sehun's feet when Junmyeon stops before him._ _

__“I think you did enough for tonight, Jongdae,” EXO's manager whispers before turning on his heels and following Tao, Sehun and Jongin. Junmyeon didn't even seem angry, just... just sad and sorry, and it breaks Jongdae's heart a little more. If Jongdae had paid more attention when Junmeyon came to help him everytime Jongdae had felt empty and heavy, too tired to even drag his aching body to bed, he would have seen, flashing through his old friend's eyes, the consequences Jongdae now has to face. Now that he thinks about it, Sehun didn't even seem surprised himself, neither did Tao and Jongin. Jongdae sobs even harder when he realizes that, all this time, he has been so bad to them._ _

__“You fucked up, Jongdae,” Chanyeol's low voice is like music to Jongdae's ears as he turns toward his oldest friend._ _

__Chanyeol is an elaborate mix of memories, pieces of laughter they shared years ago still hung up to his whole body, from his huge ears to his clumsy feet. Jongdae remembers the countless memories as he takes in Chanyeol's silent and strong presence, and he knows what's going to happen next. Chanyeol is going to tell something, but it'll be shorter than Sehun's cries of anger. It'll be just as painful, though, because Jongdae can almost taste his friend's disapointment in the back of his throat. And then, Chanyeol will walk away, just like Sehun, Jongin, Tao and Junmyeon did, leaving Jongdae behind without looking back._ _

__Chanyeol was there when EXO was only a hazy idea in the back of their heads, Chanyeol was there when Jongdae bought his first guitar, Chanyeol was there when Jongdae cried because, even though he hated his dad for leaving him, his mother and Jongdeok behind, he still missed him. Chanyeol was there when Baekhyun wasn't anymore, and Jongdae can't bear the idea of Chanyeol not being there anymore._ _

__“Chanyeol, please...” Jongdae sobs, desperate. “Don't... don't leave me, please...”_ _

__The list is never-ending, Jongdae thinks. Everybody leaves, that's just the way the wind blows, but maybe he should begin to wonder why it keeps happening to him. It's scary to admit that he's so fucked up that no one wants to keep him in their life, it's terribly painful to realize that he's the common denominator to all those barely said goodbyes, but no matter what it takes, Jongdae will endure it. He just wants Chanyeol to stay, because Chanyeol has always been there, and Jongdae doesn't want to have to figure out how life works without Park Chanyeol by his side._ _

__“Chanyeol...,” Jongdae begs another time, ready to fall to his knees. He lowers his head and closes his eyes, resisting to the urge to put his fingers in his ears to stop his mind from recording the sound of Chanyeol's foosteps getting farther away. “Don't leave, don't leave, please...”_ _

__He hears Chanyeol's shoes against the ground, but they don't go too far, because Jongdae sees the tip of his friend's worn-out Converse stop just before his own. Next thing he knows, Chanyeol's arms are wrapping him in a hug and he softly kisses Jongdae's head. Jongdae grabs onto him before burying his face against Chanyeol's chest and finally lets go. As he wears himself out, looking for the black out with hysterical sobs, he doesn't hear Chanyeol's shaky _i'm not going to leave you, jongdae_ that he whispers into Jongdae's hair._ _

__

__Jongdae's vision is filled with plain white plaster. The air never tasted healthier in his lungs, but paradoxically, breathing has never been harder. The ceiling is heavy on Jongdae, it weighs on his mind with the hundreds of ceilings he never saw because of the black smoke, and the incessant litany of 'were they all made of white plaster' drives him crazy. A few centimeters from his hand lies Chanyeol's hand, warm and open, because Chanyeol never catches you first, but when you finally fall into his arms, he never lets go._ _

__They could be teenagers right now, Jongdae realizes, and even younger, because the peaceful silence filling the room isn't new to them. They went there before, and they probably will again later. Everything is the same, from Chanyeol's loud breathing to Jongdae's conscience fading away in too many thoughts, but it still tastes miles away from what it used to. In truth though, everything has changed, and the pale remake they're living just makes the differences stand even more. To begin with, his heart feels like it left his chest and is now beating in his lip, pulsating with the memory of Sehun's sharp fist. But the biggest difference of all, other than Jongdae's hairstyle, is probably Baekhyun's absence -and it's easily the most painful one too._ _

__“Do you regret choosing this life sometimes?” Jongdae asks in a whisper so soft that when Chanyeol's silence is the only answer he gets, he just thinks that the guitarist didn't hear him. Maybe it's for the best, maybe the question wasn't made to be asked, seeing how wording it was already painful. Jongdae feels guilty, and ashamed of what he has kept silent all these years, but maybe it's where it belongs in the end._ _

__“Of course, I do,” Chanyeol finally says, voice lost somewhere between whispering and talking. Jongdae stares at him, eyes wide open, and it takes a few seconds for Chanyeol to finally look back at him. “You didn't expect it, did you?” Chanyeol ads with the ghost of a smile on his lips, and Jongdae can only shake his head._ _

__Chanyeol is the loud, blinding and always hyper, ray of sunshine of the band. He has always been, and he will always be. The you-better-move-your-ass-on-that-freaking-stage-or-I’ll-sit-on-your-instrument speech isn't Chanyeol's only power, and if it weren't for him, EXO would have probably faded away when Baekhyun closed the door behind him. Chanyeol keeps them all glued together, and thinking he regrets being there sometimes is terrifying as hell. Jongdae doesn't have an ounce of energy left in his body, but it still doesn't stop his tears from wattering his puffy and red eyes once again._ _

__“You can go, then,” Jongdae retorts, on the defensive. “I don't need you to stay because of some promise we made when we were younger, I mean, it didn't stop Baekhyun, so why would it stop you? Just get the fuck out of here, and go live your own perfect life.”_ _

__Chanyeol keeps watching him for a long and silent minute, before looking up to the ceiling once again. He sighs, the oxygen leaving heavily his lungs to weigh on his chest as soon as he exhales._ _

__“You didn't pay attention... All you heard was 'yes sometimes I wish I was somewhere else' and you panicked,” Chanyeol finally says. “ 'Yes, sometimes I wish I was somewhere else, _but in the end I'm still here because this is where I belong_ ' is what you should have heard.”_ _

__Jongdae's eyebrows furrow when Chanyeol flashes a slight smile to the void above them. He's about to ask what Chanyeol meant by that, but he feels way too tired to even open his mouth. Somewhere in the hotel, Tao, Jongin and Junmyeon are probably taking care of Sehun. It hurts not being the younger's shelter, but it's not like Jongdae actually tried to turn his embraces into a home for Sehun, so can he really be sad about it?_ _

__“You know, that dating rule we made when we created EXO?” Chanyeol suddenly questions, his wide eyes back at digging into Jongdae's tired ones. “Absolutely no dating between the members of the band,” Chanyeol then recites, using the exact same words than that night, except that it was Baekhyun's bossy voice that said them back then._ _

__Jongdae doesn't answer. What could he say? They were young and stupid, and their parents probably laughed at them more than once, but it's still one of the best nights of his life. It was a dream the three of them had already lingering in the back of their minds, and Jongdae was the first one mouthing it. They were so excited after that that sleeping wasn't even a possibility, so they spent the rest of the night writing stupid rules to make sure EXO would never have to face any scandal that could wipe them away from the shelves in music stores._ _

__“I thought the rule kinda went forgotten when Baek and I started dating--”_ _

__“Why would it?” Jongdae snaps, his voice shaky, but firm and angry. “If anything, it should be even more important than before.”_ _

__Chanyeol stays silent and Jongdae keeps swallowing down his tears as he looks defiantly at Chanyeol. More than empty, he now feels angry, because Chanyeol is now skating on thin ice and Jongdae doesn't want to go there with him. He spent the last couple of years building multiple warning signs around those memories, and he's not going to ignore them now._ _

__“Jongdae,” Chanyeol's voice is serious and low, forcing Jongdae to stay silent, but Jongdae doesn't care. This is not a safe talk, Chanyeol shouldn't bring that up, Jongdae doesn't need it, not after what happened. “Jongdae,” Chanyeol goes again. “Baekhyun didn't leave because we were dating.”_ _

__“And how would I know?!” Jongdae barks. “You never told me anything! Both of you!!”_ _

__Chanyeol brings his hand up to wipe some of Jongdae's tears away, and puts it back on the bed as soon as Jongdae pushes him away. If he thinks Jongdae is really going to let him, the fucker is delusional._ _

__“Baekhyun didn't leave because of the rule, or because we had a fight, or I don't know what possible reasons your stupid brain came up with. He left because this,” Chanyeol's eyes scan the whole room, “EXO, started to become more than real, and it wasn't what he truly wanted, in the end.”_ _

__Jongdae stays silent as he considers Chanyeol's words. He can't bring himself to believe that the full explanation lays in those few words, because Baekhyun shot several holes in his body when he left, and those words aren't even nearly enough to fill a single one of them. He trusts Chanyeol though, he knows his best friend isn't lying, and when he actually thinks about it, he must admit that it does make sense. On paper, anyway, because this isn't even the begining of a real justification for him, and if that's all Chanyeol has to say, why did he fucking wait two years for that?_ _

__“You were supposed to know what he wanted,” Jongdae finally breaks the silent with a whisper-like voice. It wasn't what he wanted to say in the first place, but the words left his mouth before his brain had a chance to chain them up in the back of his mind. He feels Chanyeol turning his head on the left to look at him._ _

__“You two were dating, right?” Jongdae keeps going, his voice liquid and poisonous. He feels it damaging his mouth, eating his vocal chords and burning his tongue like acid, but Jongdae doesn't flinch. He's kept those wounds hidden for too long, and the internal bleeding has finally taken the best of him. When he finally turns his head to throw his anger at Chanyeol, a pending thunderstorm in his pupils, Jongdae is taken aback by the look on his friend's face. They're lying close on the bed, and Jongdae sees wrinkles he has never really paid attention to, but he's not sure they were actually there the minute before. It's like Chanyeol didn't even feel the bitterness of Jongdae's voice and the not-so-hidden reproaches that it was conveying, because he was already bleeding. He looks like he has spent too many years trying to heal old wounds with new bandaids, and now he's weighed down under the thousands of staples that can't even sew up any injury._ _

__Jongdae is suddenly remembered that Baekhyun left Chanyeol too, that day. He left Chanyeol, EXO's solo guitarist, Chanyeol, one of his childhood best friends, and Chanyeol, his boyfriend. Jongdae's resentment is still there, though, because they were three Chanyeol, and Jongdae was just a two in Baekhyun's heart. It hadn't always been like that, except that maybe it had, because Jongdae had to learn how to get used to the second place when Baekhyun and Chanyeol began to exchange secret glances Jongdae had absolutely no means to understand. Friday nights in the studio turned into Baekhyun and Chanyeol's dates, and Jongdae just got kicked out of the equation. It could have been okay in the end, he could have kept swallowing down his fear of abandonment, if Chanyeol had been able to keep Baekhyun with them, or, even better, to stop him from wanting to leave in the first place. But when Baekhyun announced that he had enough that day, when he grabbed his guitar's case and left the studio, and when Jongdae laughed because _fucking Baekdumb is once again trying to keep the spotlights on him_ , Chanyeol too had absolutely no clue what was going on. Chanyeol, who had more than the half of Baekhyun's heart, had no fucking clue, and Tao ended up being the first one running after Baekhyun._ _

__“I'm sorry,” Chanyeol whispers. “I'm so sorry for everything, Jongdae...”_ _

___Yes, sometimes I wish I was somewhere else, but in the end I'm still here because this is where I belong._ _ _

__Baekhyun left, but Chanyeol stayed. In the end, Jongdae didn't have Baekhyun's heart, but neither did Chanyeol. Jongdae has Chanyeol's, though, and Chanyeol has Jongdae's._ _

__Jongdae closes his eyes and thinks about that day in the studio, how realization washed over him painfully as his laugh broke in the back of his throat when Tao rushed outside with a litany of _“Baekhyun hyung, Baekhyun hyung!” _that would become the background music of thousands of Jongdae's nightmares later. EXO was doing really great, and they were actually working on their third album. Baekhyun kept saying that any dumbass with a cheap guitar could make two successful albums, but that a whole explosion of talent was needed to make a third great album, and Jongdae didn't pay attention to the _I don't think I'm gonna let you use my talent this time, guys _that was creeping under the surface. Chanyeol said that it was starting to become too real for Baekhyun, and Jongdae now understands that what he took for pressure because of the fans' expectations back then, was actually the urge to run away while Baekhyun still could._____ _

______It does sound a lot like Baekhyun, Jongdae mentally admits. Baekhyun, who had three shelves full of books, Baekhyun who was passionate about volcanos one day, and lions the day after. The kid had about three hundred different dreams, from becoming a vet to being a famous magician, including being a cartoonist as a hobby, and Jongdae can totally imagine his ex-best friend suffocating in the exclusive rights that EXO was asking from him. There wasn't a single thing that Baekhyun couldn't do well -except maybe composing, despite the fact that he was a great musician. It was just stronger than him, like he couldn't even control himself, and every song he composed lasted for more than ten minutes. Baekhyun was a multi-talent fucker, a genius who always wanted to know more, to do more, more and more. Jongdae has learned, throughout the years, that dreams unfortunately grow older faster than their dreamers, but things like that don't happen to Byun Baekhyun, because Baekhyun knows how to keep his dreams young and colorful. Jongdae can't even understand why he and Chanyeol thought that they would be enough in the end._ _ _ _ _ _

______But it's still not a reason, it still doesn't make the door slamming behind Baekhyun less painful._ _ _ _ _ _

______Most of the time, Jongdae curses the way Baekhyun nests in his mind, but in the dead of night, when sleep keeps slipping through his fingers, he enjoys the company of all those memories. They were so sure about being together until the end that even now, years after Baekhyun's guitar's disappearance, it's like Jongdae's body remains convinced that the three of them belong together. Living with Baekhyun's 'I was there' in his mind is still better than without any Baekhyun at all, but it doesn't, for sure, make Jongdae's life easier._ _ _ _ _ _

______Staring at the ceiling is starting to feel too suffocating -not because Jongdae's teary eyes make it look closer than it really is, but because it still isn't moving, and Jongdae is tired of wishing for it to crush him so he can finally stop missing Baekhyun. His hand slides against Chanyeol's palm and, finally, there isn't any space left to be seized between Chanyeol's fingers. Chanyeol sighs, softly but lengthily, as if he had been holding that breath of air for too long. A long time after, Jongdae can still hear Chanyeol's lungs getting rid of all that oxygen in his head, and for an even longer time, the memory of the exhalation is the only thing that makes the silence feel a little more alive in the hotel room._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Sehun likes you a lot, you know,” Chanyeol finally whispers, his gaze still lost on the ceiling above their heads. Jongdae wonders if he sees it as white as him. “You fucked up pretty bad, tonight.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jongdae bites the corner of his bottom lip. Sehun's name rings through his mind in a colorful storm of memories and sensations, but he's not surprised. It's not like it's the first time Sehun seems to bloom in his insides. He used to think with vanity that it was his love for music that was saving him from all the black smoke and beers he was gulping down, but in the silence of the room and with the heat of Chanyeol's hand against his, pretending doesn't work anymore. Sehun was their additional guitarist when Baekhyun was still there: he would join them during their tours and play with them with an ease none of them -even Baekhyun- had for their first stages. When Baekhyun finally packed up and went, Sehun unpacked and stayed, adding his own creativity to EXO's music, one riff after another. Jongdae still doesn't know how Sehun did it, but it never felt like Sehun was there to replace Baekhyun, just like Sehun never acted shy or unsure in the studio or on stage. What Baekhyun was bringing to EXO is gone forever, but that doesn't mean there's nothing left, because Sehun unlocked doors they didn't even know existed. When they were all floundering, not quite knowing what to do with the void Baekhyun left behind him, Sehun was quiet but firm, like a lighthouse that helped them out of the fog one by one. He was the most solid under Jongdae's fingertips -Jongdae who was convinced that he broke his dream and tried to hide the breaks with black smoke, Jongdae who tried to tear Sehun apart with kisses and nail scratches to prove that Sehun wasn't any different, and that he would end up leaving him too. But Sehun is solid, where Baekhyun was elastic, and Jongdae is in love._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Do you think he'll forgive me?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Of course. Though it'll probably be harder with Zitao. You'll have to buy him a lot of things, I hope you put some money aside, boy.” Chanyeol answers with an amused voice, and Jongdae feels the atmosphere getting lighter as background noises invade the heavy silence in the room again. Baekhyun is still there, of course, standing in the middle of the room -his droopy eyes on them as he flashes them one of his brightest smiles, his delicate fingers buried deep in his pockets- and he's probably there to stay, but Jongdae can't keep himself from feeling like it's actually a little bit different, now. Something hits him, and he turns his head towards Chanyeol._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Do you guys still talk?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______There's no confusion about who Jongdae is talking about in Chanyeol's eyes, only hesitation and it's enough of an answer. Jongdae licks his lips as he tries to word his next question, and probably the most important one._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Are-- Are you two still together?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______It's almost imperceptible, but Jongdae sees it anyway. Chanyeol deflates as the left corner of his lips slightly twiches, and once again, Jongdae finds his answer in Chanyeol's eyes._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I think he has someone else. He lives with a Chinese guy with a weird name, like Yixing or I don't know.”_ _ _ _ _ _

_______Of course you know,_ Jongdae thinks, but he stays silent. For the first time in two years, Jongdae is angry at Baekhyun for something else than the void he now has to carry all around. Jongdae didn't deserve those few sharp words that day, and neither did Chanyeol, but that didn't stop Baekhyun. Even Tao's pleading cries outside of the studio didn't slow him down --and Zitao was for Baekhyun what Jongin is to Jongdae. Jongin's numerous attempts to talk to him on the phone the following days didn't change a thing. Baekhyun woke up that morning, and he was all that mattered. He snatched pieces of them without any second thought, and just like that, it was over._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Jongdae?” Jongdae hums in agreement. “I think the new rule should be 'don't let the guy you love find himself a Chinese dude with a weird name.'”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jongdae turns his head towards Chanyeol, and smiles. Chanyeol gives him a toothy grin in return, and it makes Jongdae laughs. It doesn't take more than two seconds for Chanyeol's laughter to join, and their mirth keeps them awake until dawn, exactly like it used to be back in the days. At some point during the night, Jongdae's phone buzzes and the screen lights up with a ' _I love you, hyung ♥ (even if you're a shithead)'_ from Jongin, followed a couple of minutes after by a _'Tao wants a new leather jacket, but don't tell him I gave you the idea, otherwise he'll still be mad and you'll have to buy him something else.'_. Chanyeol laughs so hard that he falls off the bed, and Jongdae honestly thinks he's going to die seeing how the muscular ache is now abusing his body, but all in all, it feels good -so good, like finally realizing that you have a home despite the fact that you live in a tour bus. _ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______part iii_ _ _ _ _ _

______The world moves in a blurry mess of lights and weird reflections of spotlights on flying drops of sweat, and details drown Jondgae's mind, invading his synapses one after another. The never-stopping shots of adrenaline make Jongdae's heart swell up, and the only thing the latter can really think is, how glorious would it be if he just blew up on stage in a powerful firework of pure energy. He is so eager, eager for more screams, more energy and more music, and he feels so grateful, because he knows that they will all reach the climax together. He feels the tiredness already creeping backstage, a few meters away from him, but for now, Jongdae is immunized. Reality doesn't exist, and the world stops at the walls of the Japanese dome. His dream is in his rawest form, and Jongdae is drunk on life._ _ _ _ _ _

______“We are EXO!”_ _ _ _ _ _

______His voice disappears under screams and ovations, and it feels so good to have all those eyes turned towards him. Jongade has learned how to be a good frontman through the multiple gigs that brought the five of them here, he knows that he doesn't belong to himself anymore when he's on stage, and that he's just an instrument of the excitation that pours from the audience, and he, once again, willingly gives himself in to playful attitudes and cheeky smiles. One day, he won't be able to sing on stage anymore, one day, Kim Jongdae will forget how it feels to have his name chanted by hundreds of people, but inside all of those minds, he'll forever be EXO's singer. Jongdae's fingers are skimming immortality's hand._ _ _ _ _ _

______He jumps on one of the flycases in front of the stage and brings the microphone back to his lips. He likes that part of the show, because he can take in so many fans' faces. They're shining with sweat, he notices, just like he is._ _ _ _ _ _

______“On the drums...,” he announces with a playful smirk, and the crowd goes wild. Behind him, Jongin improvises a short solo on his drums, one of his beautiful smile probably eating half of his face. “A man with whom I take a lot of showers...” Jongdae pauses, just for the show. “Naked.” The audience goes wild (of course they do) and Jongdae laughs before pointing his finger at Jongin. “Kim Jongin!”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jongin stands up and raises both of his arms above his head before bending in a graceful low bow, his laughter still shining in his eyes. He throws a kiss at Jongdae, who pretends to catch it before sighing lovingly. So many people are now laughing with one voice, as if they were cells from the same body, and the harmony is perfect._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Okay, okay,” Jongdae now sits on the flycase, his legs dangling less than two meters away from the first row. He uses his shirt to wipe the sweat from his face, and goes deaf for a while as high-pitched screams explode a couple of steps before him. Jongdae adjusts his sleveless top, pretending to be shocked by the eyes he still feels burning the skin of his belly._ _ _ _ _ _

______“On the bass,” Jongdae keeps going. “A man who masters the art of strip dancing like you have no idea... Huang Zitao!”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jongdae laughs as Tao bites his lip, and does that weird -but damn so sexy- body wave that makes the air they're breathing even hotter. Baekhyun's outraged face flashes in the back of Jongdae's mind, and for a second, Jongdae pictures him running to hide Tao with his body as a shield -like someone as tiny than Baekhyun could hide someone as tall as Tao- as if Baekhyun was really there._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Look at you, you're gross,” Sehun laughs at Tao, his hand on his own microphone, and Jongdae sincerely smiles when he sees Tao's eyes shooting daggers at EXO's maknae._ _ _ _ _ _

______Jongdae's eyes inevitably meet Sehun's when he stands up and turns around, and the contact is brief and short, but not enough for Jongdae to not have the impression that Sehun knew what he was thinking about just then. The guitarist is now back at ignoring him, but Jongdae still sees the tension in his body. He knows the way Sehun's muscles react, but knowing it doesn't keep him from being sucked up by Sehun's magnetism. Jongdae's throat feels dry, and more than ever during the last two days, he wishes he could find the courage to let himself go instead of struggling to leave Sehun's orbit. Jongdae still didn't apologize for what happened in that bar, because all the nicely phrased excuses he came up with instantaneously disappear in Sehun's presence, like he's some kind of back hole. It does make sense in a way, since Jongdae found himself fading away in the empty space left by Sehun the last few days more often than not._ _ _ _ _ _

______A few piercing notes coming from Chanyeol's guitar bring Jongdae back to reality. The singer walks towards him and stands on tip-toe to be able to throw his arm around his friend's shoulders. Chanyeol lets go of his guitar -still held against his abdomen by the bright blue strap- and wraps his arm around Jongdae's hips to help him._ _ _ _ _ _

______“And now, our solo guitar prodigy... Park Chanyeol the Magnificent!”_ _ _ _ _ _

______The crowd goes even wilder than they did with Jongin and Tao, because Chanyeol is a little bit different. He's one of the founder members of EXO, and he's probably the closest to the fans. One day, Chanyeol even shook off the bodyguards after a show and went drinking a few beers with some fans that were still on the streets. Of course, they'd love him to death after that, and to be honest, Chanyeol is probably everyone's favorite, but Jongdae is more than okay with it. Chanyeol is the heart of the band, after all._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I've been singing harmonies with Chanyeol since we were in diapers, and he was already taller than everyone.” Chanyeol waves at the crowd with a big grin eating up his face, and Jongdae looks up at him, smiling. He ruffles fondly his hair and kisses his cheek. “I love you, you dumb giant.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______The audience can't stop screaming now, and Jongdae knows that he took them in that magical place where beautiful memories are built. He can feel it, when a show is a good one, and today is. Sometimes, there's a slight gap between the stage and the crowd, as if the fans were seeing them throught a lagging computer screen, and the frustration is so hard on Jongdae after those shows that he often ends up drained and empty on his hotel room floor, drunk and confused, feeling more useless than ever. Tonight, he'll probably be able to drag his aching body to bed without collapsing on the carpeting._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Next, on the rythmic guitar, the one you've all been waiting for...”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Sehun stands firm and solid, as usual, when the fans scream at the top of their lungs. It's mostly girls who are now shooting their heads off, but Jongdae can see some guys too. He's not surprised though, it's another trick by Sehun The Walking Magnetism, and to be perfectly honest, Jongdae would probably be shouting at the top of his voice as well if he was amongst the fans. He stops near Sehun and once again, their eyes meet. Sehun's eye liner smudged a little because of the thin layer of sweat that makes his skin glistening, but his hair is still perfectly styled. Jongdae watched him spreading the gel on it before the show, shielded from getting caught by the hustle and bustle reigning in the dressing room. Sehun's fingers are one of the things Jongdae like the most about Sehun. They're long and bony, and so pale that Jongdae could make out the veins on them even with the rose-colored light of dawn as the only light in the room._ _ _ _ _ _

______As Jongdae gets lost in Sehun's dark eyes, he remembers how Sehun was always insistent on maping Jongdae's palm with his fingertips, he remembers the curves of Sehun's fingers as they were curling around Jongdae's hands, how they used to slide along Jongdae's neckline despite Jongdae's pleadings for marks and biting. He remembers how they held him pressed against Sehun's chest when they were finally done with their battle for dominance. Sehun never let him go, his fingers never left Jongdae's body, and Jongdae wants them back more than anything. He wants Sehun back, he wants the sleepless nights and the guitar playing, the muffled laughs in the silence of the hotel, he wants Sehun to keep him warm when he finally falls asleep, and if Jongdae can't make it to the bed because he's still standing on the edge and sometimes, he just falls, he wants Sehun to lie on the ground with him and holds his hand, and be as firm and solid as he has always been._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Our talented maknae, Oh Sehun!” Chanyeol finishes and the loud cheering tears Jongdae away from his daydreaming._ _ _ _ _ _

______Sehun doesn't look at him anymore, because he's waving at the audience, at least, that's what anyone would think, but Jongdae doesn't miss the perpetual glances. A bit confused, the singer turns toward Chanyeol who glares at him, and that's when Jongdae realises. He blacked out. He feels like he jumped out off a moving train, on which he's now trying to get back despite the fact that the train is now nothing more than a black spot on the horizon. He tries to hide his confusion from the crowd by walking to the back of the stage. He grabs one of the water bottles placed on the platform that supports Jongin's drums and gulps down almost half of the water in one go. Jongin is looking at him with a barely contained smile on his face, and when Jongdae throws a questioning glance at him, the drummer just shakes his head, still smiling._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You're so screwed, hyung.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jongdae is about to ask what the hell Jongin is talking about as he puts the cap back on the bottle, but Chanyeol's loud voice rings out behind his back as he announces their next song._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Metal!”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jongin smiles at Jongdae one last time before noding towards Chanyeol, and Jongdae turns back to Chanyeol as the music fills his earphones. Chanyeol happens to be looking at him already, and Jongdae gulps when he easily reads the anger written all over his best friend's face._ _ _ _ _ _

_______Fuck_ , he thinks. _I'm screwed.__ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______“It wasn't what you think, I mean... I blacked out, but it wasn't because...”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Chanyeol shushes him with an annoyed hand gesture, but he should know better: the only thing that can shut Jongdae up is a piece of tape directly across his mouth. That, or the surprise when a piece of paper is being litteraly shoved in his face. Jongdae catches it before Chanyeol forces it down his throat and looks down to it, bewildered._ _ _ _ _ _

______“What the fuck--”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“You couldn't even say his name, Jongdae.” Jongdae lifts his head, and his confusion turns into playful comments he has to fight himself to not let out when he meets Chanyeol's serious expression._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I've been trying, Yeol. I really have. I just need a little time, okay?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______In the last couple of days, Chanyeol has grew moodier with every failed attempt of Jongdae to talk to Sehun, as if Jongdae was doing it on purpose. The talk they finally had about Baekhyun two days ago didn't change Jongdae's opinions on relationships -them being the friendship kind, or more. It's not like everything has been resolved, it's not like Jongdae is now cleaned of years spent fearing being left behind, because there's still a lot left to say. Baekhyun is just a piece of the whole puzzle that are Jongdae's insecurities, and if Chanyeol could stop with the long faces, maybe it'll help him to try and sort it all out._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Just... Give me more time.” Jongdae adds. Chanyeol softens before drying his face with the wet towel he still has around his neck. A couple of feet away, Jongin, Tao and Sehun are celebrating the show that just ended, all of them as sweaty as Jongdae and Chanyeol are, but way more excited. It was a great gig, after all, but the way Chanyeol's large eyes dig into Jongdae's ruins the excitation. Jongdae really hates how Chanyeol's gaze seems to unlock doors in his mind, doors Jongdae never wanted to think about again._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You've been walking on that line for too long, Jongdae, and if you keep acting like you're a fucking acrobat, you'll end up falling. What if you land on the wrong side, uh? What if you just wake up one day, and it's too late?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jongdae frowns, still holding the piece of paper. A part of him wants to laugh at Chanyeol, because he's talking nonsense, and because his dark face makes him look like it's some kind of red code situation, when it's really not. Jongdae is just going through a difficult time; sure he's tired, and sometimes, he's so tired that he feels like a living dead unable to reach his own bed, but Chanyeol makes it look worse than it is. They're all tired._ _ _ _ _ _

______Another part of Jongdae, though, is ready to admit that it's not normal. That Jongdae shouldn't collapse like he sometimes does, and that Junmyeon shouldn't have to carry him to bed. It's a discreet voice in his head, but it's still there, and it keeps saying that Jongdae has gone as far as he could on his own, and that it's now time to accept other people's help. Jongdae can't accept that, not when everyone he will end up leaning on will probably leave him in the end. It's easier to be where he stands right now, less scarier than imagining Sehun witnessing his weak moments._ _ _ _ _ _

______Chanyeol watches him expectantly, but Jongdae keeps his mouth shut. It was a bad idea all along, anyway. He will talk to Sehun and apologize, like he had first planned to, but there's no way he'll take that thing they had farther away._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I don't know what you're talking about, Chanyeol.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Chanyeol's face darkens a little more, but he doesn't say anything -for now- and just points at the paper in Jongdae's hand._ _ _ _ _ _

______“It's Baekhyun's number. Call him tonight, please. There are two sides for the same story, Jongdae, and your view isn't always the right one.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Just like that, Chanyeol walks away, and Jongdae is left mortified and frozen in the middle of dozens of technicians in a rush. It was such a good show._ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______Jongdae's vision is filled with black smoke, and it burns his lungs in the most poisonous way. He feels like there's something growing on his insides, some kind of bacterium that mistakes his body for a Petri dish, and soon he'll be rotting from the inside out. He can picture the headlines so well: “Rockstar found dead in his hotel room. Cause of death unknown.” Maybe that's what Chanyeol meant when he talked about landing on the wrong side. Maybe Jongdae really did fall, and now he's being eaten up by so many things that he can't even dissociate them anymore. One of them is definitely the paper in front of him though, and there's probably the cigarette that burns in the tiny ashtray next to him as well._ _ _ _ _ _

______He really wanted to burn the paper, but feelings were faster than Jongdae, and they swooped upon him without offering him a chance to escape. Curiosity is the worst because it involves a lot of things, like the fact that Jongdae still deeply cares about Baekhyun and truly wants to know if his ex-best friend is happy. Curiosity doesn't come alone though, this time it's holding hands with jealousy, and that's jealousy's burn that Jongdae is trying to cover with thick layers of smoke. He knows that pain, he found himself forced to get used to it when Baekhyun and Chanyeol started to date, and since that day, it never really left him._ _ _ _ _ _

______Several weeks after Baekhyun's poor excuse of a goodbye, Chanyeol asked the whole band to come in the living room of the appartment they still share despite full bank accounts, and when all of their butts were on the couches, Chanyeol started one of his famous speech. Except that that one was a different kind of speech since it was a motivation they had never needed until then. _“No one is going to leave that band unless they're in a coffin, am I clear?”_ Jongdae clearly remembers those specific words, because they turned into some kind of mantra for him as soon as Chanyeol said them. For a while, it remained the only thing that could persuade Jongdae that his whole world wasn't crumbling away, that it was just one of its pillars and that he would make it through. But there's something else that he remembers as well: Tao and Jongin's faces. Both of them were calm and quiet, nodding imperceptibly to Chanyeol's words. It had been crystal clear to Jongdae, in that moment, that Tao and Jongin were talking to Baekhyun again. So Jongdae waited for days for a phone call he never got, before ending up accepting the painful burn of jealousy once again. _ _ _ _ _ _

______And now, he knows that Tao and Jongin aren't the only ones. Once again, Jongdae is the last one, once again he founds himself left behind._ _ _ _ _ _

______Yes, curiosity is lurking around him, but jealousy is already on his knees, urging him to grab his phone and call that fucking number, so he can finally know too. Know everything _they_ know and that he _doesn't.__ _ _ _ _ _

______Jongdae reaches to take his phone and the paper on the mattress before him, and just when he's about to dial in the numbers, his room's door opens and Sehun comes in. Jongdae watches him with wide eyes, and Sehun shrugs, as if he wasn't sure himself why he came._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I heard Chanyeol asking you to call Baekhyun-hyung.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jongdae eyes him across the room. Sehun is obviously nervous, but he strands straight. Solid and firm. If Sehun heard Chanyeol, Tao and Jongin probably did too, but Sehun is the only one who came. The tensions inside Jongdae's body increases painfully, and he knows that if he keeps fighting it, he'll end up being sick. He supposes letting go just for now won't do him any bad since he definitely needs some support to call Baekhyun, and because he's afraid that asking Sehun to leave when he wants him to stay so bad will tear his body apart._ _ _ _ _ _

______Jongdae pats the mattress in front of his crossed legs, and Sehun walks closer before sitting at the very end of the bed. Jongdae is back at staring at his phone screen, so he doesn't notice Sehun putting the cigarette out._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Do you call Baekhyun sometimes?” Jongdae asks and Sehun nods. Simple as that. He doesn't even try to hide it, and Jongdae has the feeling that if he had asked him it before, Sehun would have come up with the same answer. “Do—Do you know if he thought about calling me once?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Sehun shakes his head, his eyes fondly watching Jongdae contrasting with his closed face. Sehun is the embodiment of the saying 'the eyes are the window to the soul' and Jongdae only reads love and caring in Sehun's. Something is close to the breaking point inside of him, and he flinches._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I'm sorry, you know, for—”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“--I know.” Jongdae licks his lips and Sehun gives him a faint smile. “Call.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jongdae breathes in and nods, before looking down to his phone once again. He checks the number one last time and brings his cellphone to his ear. His fingers are shaking and his mouth is so dry that breathing is starting to be painful, but Sehun's eyes are covering him with fond and warm glances, -black holes that Jongdae has never found more reassuring- and he lets himself be sucked up by Sehun's aura._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Hello?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______The voice is cheery, bright. It's an injection of pure sunshine, even through the phone, and Jongdae is suddenly remembered how dark and gloomy days simply didn't exist with Baekhyun's around. He opens his mouth, but his brain never sends the signal to his tongue, and Jongdae is left tongue-tied as he pictures Baekhyun frowning at his phone._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Uh... Hello? Who's calling?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Sehun nods at Jongdae encouragingly, his way of unblocking Jongdae's thoughts, but they're not what they should be. It's a plethora of _please take the phone away from me, please make it stop I don't want to listen to him, it hurts too fucking much, oh god he sounds exactly like he used to_. Jongdae faintly wonders if Baekhyun hears his heart turning to lead in his chest. _ _ _ _ _ _

______“I can hear you breathe, you know.” Baekhyun ads, his smile perfectly audible in his voice. “Can I help you with something?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Sehun's eyes leave Jongdae's, and the latter wishes they didn't. He waits for them to come back, but they're trailing something down his cheek, and it's only when the salty taste blooms on the corner of his lips that Jongdae understands. He's crying. He brings a hand to his mouth to muffle the strangled sobs now rushing in the back of his throat._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Jongdae?” Baekhyun's voice is uncertain, and Jongdae bites his lips to deaden his breathing. “Jongdae, is that you?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jongdae furiously shakes his head because he doesn't trust himself to speak, and he doesn't want to talk to Baekhyun anyway. There's ice on his fingers and he can't make a single move. It's worse than being stuck in one of his nightmares, worse than being left behind, worse than collapsing on the ground because he feels so empty that he forgot for a second he was actually alive. He still had the possibility that Baekhyun was missing him, back then, that Baekhyun was miserable and regretful, but now it's gone. Baekhyun sounds like Baekhyun, happy and cheerful, and Jongdae feels his world crumbling away for the second time._ _ _ _ _ _

______Sehun gets on his hands and knees and reaches for Jongdae's phone, his eyes glued to Jongdae's, solid and firm. He hangs up and put the phone aside before sitting on his knees in front of Jongdae's crossed legs. The silence Baekhyun's voice left turns into desperate sobs Jongdae doesn't even realize are his._ _ _ _ _ _

______“It's okay,” Sehun says, but it's not. How could it be?_ _ _ _ _ _

______“He sounds exactly the same,” Jongdae wails, and he understands that he has reached his breaking point. He's drowning in the same waters he's dammed up deep inside all this time, and starts panicking when he breathes in oxygen that never gets to his lungs. “How could he sound the same? He left us!”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Sehun pulls him into a hug and keeps him pressed against his chest, but even his solidity can't get Jongdae out of the water. He grabs onto him, hopeless, as he begins to hyperventilate, and vaguely wonders if the wrong side Chanyeol talked about was actually a bottomless ocean, because it sure feels like it is. Everything he feels is just plain pain, pain in its purest form, pain and despair. Sehun's fingers are fondly ruffling his hair before they dig a little deeper and hold Jongdae's face pressed against his neck. They skirt one of his ears and slide along his neckline as Sehun's calm, but strong heartbeat makes its way through thick layers of black smoke and insecurities to infiltrate Jongdae's cardiac muscles. Soon enough, Jongdae can only breathe oxygen through all the multiple places where Sehun is now touching him. Fingers in his hair, a lungful of fresh air. Chest against chest, deep inhalation of oxygen. There a litany of _it's okay hyung it's alright jongdae jongdae hyung it's okay_ that's obliterating the buzzing in Jongdae ears, and a strong flower scent -Sehun's shampoo- dispersing the smell of the abyss Jongdae was drowning in. _ _ _ _ _ _

______“Sehun,” Jongdae begs, not quite sure what he's asking for, but knowing that Sehun will find it anyway. There's hot skin against his palms, and it takes a while for Jongdae to realize that his hands are deep under Sehun's shirt. It all seems so clear now-- so clear that it's almost blinding to Jongdae even through his closed eyelids._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I'm here,” Sehun reassures him. Jongdae feels the younger's vocal cords vibrate against his temple, and the rush of air in his lungs leaves him dizzy. The silence is deafening but neither of them pay attention to it: their hearts are beating right against each other and it's like music to their ears. “I'm here,” Sehun repeats in a barely audible whisper. The very sense of those few words is long gone when they both register them, but Sehun's fingers down the column of Jongdae's neck are still there to display it._ _ _ _ _ _

______There's no violent aching, no burning need, no urge to be broken down into thousands of pieces, just the feeling that it can't be avoided anymore, when Jongdae's hands tug Sehun's shirt upward over his head. The world seems to slow down, or maybe it's their hearts that are speeding up, but the gap quickly disapears from their minds. The world now stops at Sehun's slender silhouette, frontiers written all over his mily skin and atmosphere filling Jongdae's lungs. Sehun's fingers keep sliding down his body, smoothing Jongdae's ridges through his shirt, only slowing down when they reach his hips. Sehun's eyes are heavy and hypnotizing, but Jongdae understands them better than anyone else, and he raises both his arms above his head. Soon enough, his shirt meets Sehun's at the bottom of the bed._ _ _ _ _ _

______They're already too caught up in the longing to register the ashtray falling off the bed when Sehun lays Jongdae down on his back, too caught up in the distance reducing, inches by inches, between their lips. Their bodies' heat radiates all around them, but it still feels too cold for Jongdae so he locks his arms around Sehun's neck to pull him down, _closer closer_. His satisfied moan drowns in Sehun's mouth, and when their tongues meet for the first of a hundred times tonight, something snaps inside them, setting fire to the lethargy they were sharing until then, and turning it into desire and lust. Sehun's whimper runs down Jongdae's throat when their crotches slide together and one of his hands immediately looks for Jongdae's thighs. His fingers dig in the flesh through the material and force Jongdae to hook his legs over the small of his back. _ _ _ _ _ _

______Breathing becomes an option, something they can't afford anymore in the growing tension of their lower abdomens as they slide against each other languidly. Sehun's mouth is devastating, reducing Jongdae into a never-ending shudder, and when the younger's lips finally claim his neck, there's a firework that winds around Jongdae's spine and sparks in his head. He feels Sehun's tongue playing at connecting the dots with the moles on his neck, burning the nerves under his skin one after another, and he presses red crescents on Sehun's arms with a frustrated mewl._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You're so beautiful,” Sehun whispers in his ear, his hot breath ghosting over Jongdae's skin. The latter frees one of his legs when Sehun catches his earlobe between his teeth, this way drawing a sonorous moan from him, and quickly unbelts Sehun. He feels the younger leaning into the touch and Jongdae loses himself in the pictures that keep running through his mind as Sehun leaves a trail of butterfly kisses along his collarbones. He draws abstract arabesques with his lips and paints them with the tip of his tongue all over Jongdae's chest, only stopping to nip at the older's nipples, feeding on the moans he keeps drawing from Jongdae._ _ _ _ _ _

______Sehun finally reaches Jongdae's pants, and Jongdae squirms, trying to force Sehun to go lower. The guitarist doesn't, instead grabbing Jongdae's waistband to pull his pants down just enough to suck new bruises on his hips. Jongdae tilts his head back with a silent moan as his hips buck into Sehun, and the pleasure turns into burning frustration when Sehun grips his sides to hold him down._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Sehun, please,” Jongdae begs as he glances down to meet Sehun's eyes heavy with lust. His lips are pink and swollen, and there's a thin sheen of sweat lightning his skin, and the contrast between his dark eyes and the white of his skin has Jongdae gasping for air. There's an array of emotions that crosses Sehun's face, and he gets back on his knees, still situated between Jongdae's legs. His hands ghost over Jongdae lower abdomen until they find Jongdae's pants, and pull them off, dragging his briefs with them. Jongdae shudders, his body completely on display on the bed, and all for Sehun to see._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Sehun,” Jongdae pleads one more time as he squirms uncomfortably under Sehun's silent gaze. “There's lube in the night stand, just... _Please._ ”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Oh Sehun watches him, and honest to god, he smirks. He's out of breath, obviously as hard as Jongdae, and the brat _fucking_ smirks at him. Jongdae is about to protest but Sehun's tongue pushes into his mouth one more time, forcing him to swallow down his words. _ _ _ _ _ _

______They've kissed a million times already, and Jongdae was so sure he knew everything about Sehun, but the way the gutarist is now mapping his mouth with the tip of his tongue feels incredibly new. There's a shudder that washes over Sehun's spine when Jongdae buries his fingers in his hair, and that ends up in his already tensed abdomen—this way driving Jongdae crazy at the sensation because of their bodies pressed together. But it's more than that, it's even more than the affection and the longing Sehun's fingers write all over his body. The electricity between them is the same -they've always been attracted to each other after all- but it doesn't only shoot lightnings in the small of Jongdae's back anymore. Sehun presses a delicate assortment of kisses to his neck, and Jongdae crackles because of the thunderstorm on Sehun's lips. It's not only because of the pleasure or the lust, it's Sehun, Sehun's alabaster skin that grinds against his, and Sehun's high-voltage lips that scatter dozens of promises all over his body._ _ _ _ _ _

______It doesn't take long for Jongdae's conscience to fade away in the haziness Sehun is creating in his mind while he sucks red and purple flowers on the canvas that Jondae's skin is. Every parts of Jongdae's body gets worshipped by Sehun, from his temples that Sehun kisses softly, to his ankles he nips at while Jongdae desperatly arches his back against the mattress. It's on Jongdae's thighs, though, that Sehun looses himself, kisses after kisses, as the heat turns into a throbbing and painful need for more. It doesn't take him more than five seconds to lube his fingers, and he has to force himself to take it slow when he meets Jongdae's hooded eyes._ _ _ _ _ _

______The slight burn breaks through Jongdae's unconscious state of mind, and he winces when Sehun's slides his finger deeper into his ass. The need only grows stronger, though, and he forces his body to follow Sehun's movements. The latter is back at pressing kisses on his thighs, smoothing the pain with his tongue, and soon enough, it draws back, leaving only need for more. Jongdae begs Sehun, his voice hoarse and raw, and Sehun immediately complies by adding a second finger. The pressure shoots a mix of pain and desire through Jongdae's body, drawing a cracked moan from him as he tilts his head back. Sehun's tongue left his thighs and he is now fondly biting at his hips as his free hand caresses Jongdae's flat stomach. When he ads another finger, Jongdae's hand flies to catch his hand and Sehun interlaces their fingers. He kisses each knuckles as if Jongdae was one of the most precious thing on earth, and Jongdae falls over the edge. He frees his index finger and runs the tip along Sehun's lips, letting out a shaking mewl when Sehun's tongue darts outside his mouth to lick it._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Please, Sehun, please...” Sehun is now kissing the palm of Jongdae's hand he just let go of as he curls his fingers in Jongdae's ass. Jongdae whines and runs his hand through Sehun's hair, the pressure in his stomach driving him crazy. A particular deep trust turns the corner of his vision white, and he clenches his fingers in Sehun's hair. He pulls at it and brings Sehun up to him, only letting him go to take his pants and briefs off. Sehun lets out a cry of surprise when Jongdae hooks his legs around his hips and digs his heels in the small of his back._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Now,” Jongdae commands, his voice lower than usual. “I need you _now_.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Sehun watches him with wide eyes and giggles, the sight of his eyes turning to half-moons physically hurting Jongdae's heart._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You're unbelievable,” Sehun chuckles and Jongdae scrunches his eyebrows together._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Yeah? Well, let's talk about that later, okay? Just--” Jongdae concludes with a suggestive gesture and Sehun chortles._ _ _ _ _ _

______Weirdly, the need in Jongdae's body only grows stronger at the sound of Sehun's chuckling, and his want for him literally explodes in his belly. He grabs Sehun's hips and tips him over. Sehun's strangled gasp of surprise turns into a drawn-out moan when Jongdae sits on his cock. His nails press red crescent on the flesh of Jongdae's thighs, almost drawning blood, and he meets Jongdae's eyes, both of them looking as surprised as the other. Sehun opens his mouth to talk, but ends up moaning once again when Jongdae moves a little on top of him. Seeing the younger spread under him, with that beautiful shade of pink coloring his cheeks as he seems totally unable to stop the moans from leaving his mouth turns Jongdae into a devastating mix of love, affection and need. He puts his hands on Sehun's chest for balance, and loses himself in his beautiful eyes as he begins to rock back and forth. Sehun's hands fly to hold his waist and Jongdae feels the pressure on his hips urging him to go faster, and deeper._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Hyung...”_ _ _ _ _ _

______The cocky and cheeky 'Jongdae' is gone, and once again, Jongdae is overwhelmed by the amount of love pulsating through his whole body. Sehun watches him through heavy lids, and finally lets go of his hips to slide his hands along the curve of his ass, and then his thighs. He bites his under lips and press further into the touch, drawning a satisfied moan from Jongdae. In a blink of an eye, though, Sehun's fingers are back on his hips, and the next thing Jongdae registers is his own back pressed against the mattress again._ _ _ _ _ _

______“What the--” His protest drowns in a cry of pleasure when Sehun buries himself back in his ass._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I'm not going to let you control everything this time, hyung,” Sehun whispers in his ear, his voice sending shivers down Jongdae's spine. He locks his legs around Sehun's waist and grabs his shoulder blades._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I hate you,” Jongdae mewls, and Sehun smiles before licking his lips. Jongdae raises his head to meet him in a sloppy kiss. Their teeth clash together, but none of them pay attention as the rush of lust going through their bodies urges them to go faster, to kiss deeper, to love harder._ _ _ _ _ _

______Jongdae's voice breaks when Sehun fucks into him harder, and Sehun's hand wraps around his erection when the younger feels the shuddering in his lover's belly. Jongdae breaks the kiss, gasping for air as all of his moans get stuck in the back of his throat. Sehun is watching him, and they're so close that Jongdae can see the tiny droplets of sweat in Sehun's bangs, can see the microscopic chestnut shards in his irises, and it's the idea that he's the only one who gets to see them that drives him over the edge._ _ _ _ _ _

______He comes with Sehun's hand wrapped around his cock, white ropes spattering over his and Sehun's bellies, and it only takes a few seconds of Jongdae's walls clenching around his cock for Sehun to come too, his face pressed in Jongdae's neck while he bites the sensitive skin to muffle his groan._ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______“Oh my god,” Jongdae pants when Sehun guiltily licks the teeth marks in his neck, a few minutes later. “Oh my god, Sehun.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Sehun looks up at Jongdae with a pleased smile on his face._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Am I that good? You look like you've seen God.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Jongdae groans and pushes Sehun away, pretending not to miss Sehun's body all over his as the carnal link between them breaks. He turns himself on the bed and has to bite his lips to hide his smile when he hears Sehun's giggling behind his back. The mattress creaks when the guitarist gets back on it, and soon enough, warm arms are wrapping themselves around Jongdae. Sehun's breath tickles the back of his head, but Jongdae doesn't protest. A few meters ahead, on the ground, lays the piece of paper with Baekhyun's number on it. The _pang!_ in his heart isn't as painful as it was before, as it blends with the fond kisses Sehun is now leaving on the back of his neck, and maybe, Jongdae thinks, maybe he'll call Baekhyun again, and this time, he'll actually talk. He needs to try again, but Sehun has to be there too. _ _ _ _ _ _

______“I love you, hyung,” Sehun whispers in his ear before returning to playing connect the dots on his neck. Sehun doesn't expect Jongdae to answer, Jongdae knows it, but he still feels bad for staying silent. Relationships are hard and most of the time, they're painful. Jongdae has pretty much given his everything to Sehun already, but telling it aloud would change a lot of things, and it's scary. Of course, Sehun knows what Jongdae really feels, but that doesn't mean that Jongdae doesn't want to show him too. He grabs one of Sehun's hand and takes it to his mouth to kiss it tenderly. He feels Sehun smile against one of his moles' bump. For now, it's the best Jongdae can do._ _ _ _ _ _

______ _ _ _ _

______Or maybe, he can do better, Jongdae actually thinks the day after. Tokyo has always been his favorite place to perform and tonight, the five of them are so hyper that he regrets that the show isn't recorded. The audience is crazy, the whole place is so noisy that the apocalypse could happen out there without none of them noticing it. Jongdae is going to add fuel to the biggest and the hottest fire ever seen, and the rush of adrenaline that follows his decision taking is so powerful that he staggers. He feels great. Alive. Tonight, it feels like they're all going down in history, and Jongdae has found the Fountain of Youth. Tonight, they will _all_ become immortal. _ _ _ _ _ _

______Jongdae walks to Sehun and grabs him by the collar. The last things he sees are Sehun's wide eyes before Jongdae kisses him fully on the lips._ _ _ _ _ _

______And this time, Sehun is unable to keep playing. His fingers release his guitar’s neck—after he manages to strum out the most horrendous note he’s ever played—so that he can bury them in Jongdae’s hair._ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
